From Frustration, Anger and Divorce to Authenticity, Love and Acceptance

Hi, I’m Andy Nicholson, relationship and authenticity coach and personal development trainer.

I’m living the life of my choosing, I have learned to love and accept myself, I have learned to love and accept others (although I’m not always as wonderful at this as I might like!! – I am still a work in progress).

It was not always like this…. Five years ago after redundancy and divorce, I was mainly angry and frustrated – I was not in control of my life or my emotions. I was stuck, disempowered.

Then I came to realise that I could become very empowered. I was in fact at a crossroads in my life. Before me was a blank sheet of paper, on which I could design the life that I wanted…

But what did I want? What was possible for me?

I did not know. All I knew was what I did not want. The truth is that I was proud of knowing what I did not want. I felt that it gave me direction, helped me to make choices. I even gave myself kudos for this strategy in life. In my 20s it seemed to work, I seemed to be happier than some of my peers who perhaps did know what they wanted (or thought that they did) and were angry, fearful or depressed for not achieving their desired outcomes. Some even looked up to me for doing what I did.

Then, in my 30s, after my entrepreneurial businesses had ‘failed’ I knuckled down into a career, got a mortgage, a pension, got married… I did all the ‘normal’ stuff. I felt that I did not have enough fun and took life too seriously – but I believed I ‘had’ to, I was conditioned to think like this – the good old protestant work ethic…. So I made attempts to be more fun, more outgoing, I even chose a wife who was very much a fun, party animal, extroverted, the life and soul, needed at least three expensive holidays per year…. She warned me against marrying her, as she felt that she may be too much (for me, for many men) – her statement “I’m a nightmare, don’t marry me” fell on deaf ears. I felt that I was a match for her concerns. Boy, was I deluding myself! Now don’t get me wrong, my ex-wife is a wonderful woman, we just had different expectations, a different pace, differing priorities, values and beliefs. The truth is that her life works for her. Mine was not working for me and in many ways, I unwittingly tried to use her to fix me.

So there I was, 39, uninspired by my job, divorced, directionless. At this point, I bumped into an old friend of mine. After listening to my tale of woe (I poured my heart out – dumped all my frustration onto him), he suggested that I go along to a monthly meeting. No, it was not religious, it was about personal development (PD). I’d actually come across a few ‘PD’ and self-help books in previous years, and whilst interesting and inspiring, like most people, once read, I just carried on as normal, deluding myself that I did not need to change me – I just needed the world to change and give me a break!

I enjoyed the personal development get-togethers. Some great speakers started to challenge my mind-set and my beliefs and gradually open me up to new possibilities. I also enjoyed being around people who were more positive. Of course, I believed that some of the speakers, who had achieved great things, had some special talents that I did not possess and could not possess, so I did not intend to try to emulate them. It was safer and easier that way.

Then, after 10 months of attending the PD meetings, two relationship coaches gave a talk that would cause me to change my life. I’d been separated for nearly a year. My divorce had come through, yet the feelings were still raw. I felt like the marriage had been a waste of time, effort and a lot of money. I had yet to be able to take anything positive from the experience, especially any learnings. I felt like I was likely to make the same mistakes all over again (and I was).

I had been going out on lots of dates, courtesy of match.com and Dating Direct. Initially, this was just to get me out of the marital house and have some fun – living under the same roof for 10 months whilst separated was not much fun. I quickly found that I was able to feel more like my old self when out flirting. Yet after a while, there I was again, seeking the answers and my happiness outside of me, from others – seeking recognition and affirmation.

The 2 ½ hour talk by the relationship coaches, who were married, blew me away. It challenged so many of my beliefs about relationships and challenged my very identity and behaviour as a man. I had to know more. I signed up for their four day retreat at their base in Austria. Three months later, I had the most enjoyable and eye-opening four days of my life. I loved their teachings, it all seemed to make so much sense and yet was so contrary to how I ran my life. I recognised for the first time that I possessed an awesome set of values, and a lousy set of beliefs. I was living my life according to my beliefs, out of alignment with my values – hence I was unfulfilled and frustrated.

Picture – Andrew on top of the world (well, a small mountain) in Austria.

While in Austria, I also started to recognise that only I could take responsibility for my life and achieving better outcomes and more happiness. No one could do it for me. It sounds obvious now, yet how many of us are kidding ourselves…? On the Sunday, over breakfast, whilst discussing the meaning of life… I had an epiphany!  The work of the Retreat was completely in alignment with my values. I found the Retreat owners to be inspiring and I felt passionate about their purpose in life. I wanted to help them to help others like me. Plus, I had all these business, marketing and IT skills, which their ‘cottage industry’ could benefit from – I could help them to spread the word.

So to cut a long story short, 6 months later I moved to Austria, lived and worked at the retreat for 20 months, and almost by osmosis (and by attending over 30 days of training that they offered), my outlook on life transformed. While in Austria, I still liked female attention. I dated a couple of girls and flirted with a couple of others. While I was gradually awakening to myself, I was still in some denial. I was denying my potential. Although I felt that I now had my ideal vocation, I still would not face up to what I wanted in an ideal relationship. I underestimated and under-valued myself.

After 12 months in Austria, I decided that it was time to stop playing games. It was time to claim what was rightfully mine – the life of my dreams, a life and a journey that I wanted to share with my soul-mate (whoever she was). My role in Austria was not stretching me enough and I did not feel that the opportunity to grow at the same pace would remain open to me.  I also put out my intention to meet my soul-mate and I trusted that I would find her when the time was right. This was in April 2007.

Around the same time that I went to Austria, I enrolled to train in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), a branch of psychology and personal development that is based around how the brain works and how we think and behave. NLP introduced me to the concept that we all a have wildly different values and beliefs. Along with our innate talents and learned skills, this is what makes us unique – who we are and how we behave.

Andy’s Values
2006	2008
Love Happiness Integrity Connection Growth Health Humour Passion Affection Creativity Family Freedom Abundance	Happiness Pleasure Zest for life Balance Connection Health Purpose Freedom Direction Contribution Congruence Growth Creativity

Having identified my values, I started to want to be more congruent with them and to act with integrity. This lead to two things: firstly, a desire to go back to the UK in order to create my life how I wanted it, living my purpose rather than supporting someone else’s and secondly the desire to find my soul-mate.

You can see in the table opposite how my values changed over two years. I discovered more purpose, energy and enthusiasm, placed myself my purpose and my freedom above the need to please others and seek approval. This shift in values reflected what I had learned from my mentors in Austria about ‘turning up my masculinity dial’.

Being a kind, empathetic and supportive person, I’ve never had too much trouble getting in touch with my feminine side. We all have masculine and feminine aspects to our character. Many would say that to be a balanced and whole person we have to embrace and integrate both these energies, i.e. the yin and yang.

At the end of a 10 day relationship coaching training course in Austria with 12 other people, we were each rated (by the group) on our behaviour and how we outwardly expressed ourselves in terms of masculine vs. feminine energy. This was a fascinating and nerve wracking experience!! My score came out as 59 masculine and 44 feminine. Both scores are out of 100, the theory being that we will typically spend 70-80% of our time displaying the core energy of our gender, i.e. I would typically be 70-80% in my masculine and 20-30% in my feminine. As I said, a fascinating and not un-controversial subject! Again, to cut a long story short, I reckon my energy is now more like 75-80% masculine and 30-35% feminine. This shift has definitely helped me to become more authentically myself.

This is another great example of how I have transformed my experience of life. From all of my study and learnings, I have created what I call my model of Authentic Transformation. This is not a process of re-inventing yourself, or swapping one false self, for a slightly better false self. This process of true personal and spiritual (with a small ‘s’) development is about identifying who you really are and learning the tools that allow you to be authentically you, in all situations and roles. Whilst what I learned and how I turned up my masculinity certainly helped me a lot as a single man, when it came to putting this into practise within relationships, it was not without major challenges…

Towards the end of my stay in Austria, in July 2007, I received an e-mail from one of the dating sites that I had been on a few months earlier. A lady in America had read my profile and sent me an email. I’d not been on the site for several months and my membership had lapsed. I had no desire to start a transatlantic relationship. Whilst online, I looked at who else was also online – there were only a handful of people. I immediately resonated with one of the profiles, a lady from the Highlands of Scotland. We connected and clicked straight away. I happened to be back in the UK the very next week, for the first time in a year. I cheekily invited her to fly down and meet me. She did, and the rest is history… I’d been looking for my soul-mate and I’d found her. Six months later, I moved back to the UK and Diane left her life in Scotland to come and live and work together with me. We had only spent three weeks together in those six months. The fact that we had both done a lot of work on ourselves, and were able to be ourselves without any egos, masks game playing, without the need to try to impress, made all the difference. Our story is featured in other articles.

By loving ourselves 10 out of 10, we were able to accept ourselves and speak our truth to each other without any neediness and falseness. Some people may thing that loving yourself at a ‘10’ is arrogant, egotistical, selfish or even narcissistic! It is not. In fact it is the most self-less thing that you can do. For when you are full of love, you only have love to give others – you lose the need to blame, criticise, judge, hate…

Now it may seem like I am painting a very idyllic picture and everything has been plain sailing. That is definitely not the case. Intimate relationships are one of life’s most challenging things. Not only do you have to master your own behaviour, you have to learn to do so in close proximity to another, very different being. Diane and I are very different. We seemed to accept each other in principle, there were still aspects of each other’s behaviour that we each found challenging. Whilst we share many values, beliefs and our purpose in life, our personality styles are very different. This caused us some challenges, especially living and working together 24/7. Throughout, we have remained convinced that we are soul-mates or ‘twin flames’ and we have experienced amazing connection, synergy and love.  We have had to learn new tools and insights to enable our love to flourish and achieve its true potential.

Ten months into our relationship we enrolled on a training course about the Enneagram personality ‘typing’ system. I had been aware of a variety of such systems; whilst interesting, they all seemed rather complex, confusing and hardly earth-shattering. The Enneagram was different, it dealt with the whole person, you could really identify with it. For us, it was like the missing piece of the jigsaw. It finally explained why Di and I were so different and it allowed us to understand, accept and embrace those differences. We now use the Enneagram with many of our clients.

The other missing piece of the jigsaw for most people is their fears, underpinned by limiting beliefs. Whilst working in the PD industry, I noticed ‘pareto’ at work; only 20% of people seemed to take what they had been taught and use it to transform their lives and achieve the results that they wanted. They other 80% did not – they unwittingly seemed to treat the process as an intellectual exercise, ticking boxes, perhaps becoming ‘course junkies’. When I met Diane, she was Susan Jeffers first and only ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ tutor. I now teach this incredible workshop, based on the best selling book, with Di. It is the most powerful agent of change. It is also the first step that most people need to take in their journey; a step once taken that enables anyone to play full out in all aspects of life, taking and applying the most from any other training that they do.

With these tools and experiences, we believe that we have created a framework that can enable anyone to turn their lives around, overcoming fear, limiting beliefs and unhelpful models of the world; connecting with their values, personality style, emotionality, purpose, personal responsibility and accountability. It is an holistic approach – one that can deliver both immediate benefits and a transformation that takes months rather than years and hundreds rather than thousands of £s.

So in summary, growing up and learning to take responsibility for your life is a process of:

SELF AWARENESS to SELF-ACCEPTANCE to SELF-ACTUALISATION

Self-actualisation is a term used by the famous psychologist Abraham Maslow, who created the wonderful model ‘the hierarchy of human needs’ – this is another powerful tool of self-discovery that we use. For me, self-actualisation means being the best that I can be. During this process of authentic transformation, you also learn to accept and value others and their differences. This journey can also be thought of as evolving from:

DEPENDENCE to INDEPENENCE to INTER-DEPENDENCE

When life goes according to plan, most of us learn to move successfully from dependence to independence. When life gets hard, we may become fiercely independent, not letting others in, or we may relapse back into co-dependency seemingly unable or unwilling to take responsibility for ourselves. Inter-dependence is being able to accept, cooperate and collaborate with others, learning to give unconditionally and also to be able to ask for help and to willingly receive.

Some of the key learnings from my own journey include:

•    I am way more than my fears, beliefs and alter-ego
•    No one else can do it for me; they can help me to see more clearly and find ‘my way’
•    The answers are not outside of me
•    The answer is not to seek an intimate relationship to fill me up or fill the gaps in my life
•    Be open to new learnings, new perspectives and to challenge my beliefs – constantly
•    To become free of ego, opinion and judgement
•    To accept and embrace that we are all different
•    Real love is free of fear
•    Unhelpful behaviour and unresourceful emotions are largely habitual
•    More empowering behaviour and emotions can be learned
•    We are all innately good inside. We all have a ‘higher self’

Much has been written in recent years about the importance of ‘emotional intelligence’, yet there is little practical help out there to achieve it. Everything that Di and I have learned and developed in our coaching and training business is about helping people to become emotionally intelligent, to be able to live and love with others in inter-dependence, and to live the self-actualised life of your dreams.

We are giving at talk at the ‘Starting Over Show’ in London on Sunday March 7th 2010, where we will also have a stand. Do come and see us.

Andy & Di x

www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk www.dimacdowall-lifecoaching.co.uk

‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ is a registered trademark of Susan Jeffers, PhD and is being used with her express permission.

Andy & Di ‘Feel The Fear’ Talk at the Inspiration Network, Birmingham

We are giving a talk on ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ on Monday 17th August at the Tree of Life Inspiration Network. The talk is from 7.30 (prompt)to 9pm at The Cross, 145 Alcester Road, Moseley Village, Birmingham, B13 8JP.

This introductory talk is based on the book by Susan Jeffers, PhD.  The book and our two day workshop based on it are truly life transforming. We have taught ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ to hundreds of people from all walks of life:  from shy and bullied teenagers, to abused women, to stage entertainers, to company directors. It is a truly liberating experience for anyone.

‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ is a registered trademark of Susan Jeffers, used with her permission. Andy and Diane are licensed and approved tutors for Susan Jeffers.

Andy & Di are Keynote Speakers at The Divorce Show

We will be appearing at The Divorce Show as keynote speakers on September 11-13th at The NEC, Birmingham, where we are also delighted to announce a world first!! We are launching a brand new workshop: ‘The Feel The Fear Guide to Lasting Love‘ based on the excellent work of Susan Jeffers in her book of the same name, plus top advice from Susan’s other relationship books: ‘Dare To Connect’ and ‘Opening Our Hearts To Men’. As licensed and approved trainers for Susan’s most famous book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ and as experienced relationship coaches in our own right, we are delighted to be able to bring you Susan’s unique, insightful and invaluable views on relationships.

The UK has one of the world’s highest rates of divorce, with around 140,000 married couples going through it each year. For some, it can be a relief. But for very many, it is a shattering ordeal. The Divorce Show 2009 is the UK’s largest national event dedicated to delivering a wealth of information, helpful advice and practical resources for those simply questioning their marital status or wanting to repair a relationship breakdown to those initiating divorce or beginning life again after legal separation.

Do you feel like life happens to you?

So many of us feel like life happens to us and we have little choice and control.

This is only as true as you believe it to be. It is our beliefs that create our reality. There are few absolute truths. It has been said that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. I know quite a few who seem to escape the latter!

Just look at the word belief. Look closely – be[LIE]f.

Every belief we have is not absolute. It is just our perception. It contains a lie; because every belief can be changed.

Four years ago I discovered myself. I found out that I had a great set of values, lots of skills, the potential to contribute and play much more full out in life… and yet I had a crappy set of beliefs that were limiting my experience of life and my potential for achievement and fulfilment. My beliefs even prevented me from enjoying what was, in the moment, the here and now, so my potential for enjoyment and fulfilment was postponed – postponed to a point in the future that simply was not going to exist with those crappy beliefs.

I have learned how to change all of this now. Our ‘Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway®’ workshop is licensed and approved by Susan Jeffers PhD, author of the international best selling book of the same name. This workshop has changed hundreds of lives, the book hundreds of thousands. It is the most influential workshop that I know of and have experienced – so many of our clients say the very same thing.

Conrad’s Incantation

Conrad is an amazing guy from our workshop this weekend. His incantation (an affirmation… on steroids!!) is testimony to Conrad’s intention for his life and an inspirational outcome from the workshop.

My Power Incantation, by Conrad van Pruijssen

My name is Connector Conrad

I stand for INTIMACY
That stands for IN TO ME YOU SEE
… the belief that you too, can achieve everything that you dream about.

I stands for
Intention to do the best I can everyday
N stands for
Now I know how I can give and receive love
T stands for
Train other people to give and receive
O stands for
Opportunities are everywhere I look
M stands for
More then I need, is what I will give away to others
E stands for
Everyday I do things that make me grow
Y stands for
Youth is for me the most precious thing on earth
O stands for
Ongoing to give the lessons I learned to others
U stands for
Unique I am to …
S stands for
Share
E stands for
Endless
E stands for
Energy

I know that intention gives me the power to make reality from the dreams that I believe in.

Susan Jeffers on the Chris Evans Show on BBC Radio 2

Susan Jeffers appeared on the Chris Evans Show on BBC Radio 2 on Tuesday 21st October 2008. Susan discussed with Chris how to deal with all the present uncertainties in life with the help of her books ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ and ‘Embracing Uncertainty’. MP3 4 minutes 50 secs, 1.7 MB download

Click here to download and listen.

Susan Jeffers appears on BBC Radio 2 Chris Evans Show

Feedback from a most amazing workshop

Di and I are so privileged to be doing what we do and we work with and help some amazing people. This weekend was a case in point. We ran a ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway®’ workshop, fresh from our meeting with Susan last week. Four amazing individuals joined us for an awesome two days at our home. Their feedback says it all:

Q1. Did you enjoy the location, the accommodation and food?	Yes,yes – exceptional!	Absolutely lovely, very personal and the food was divine	Food and hospitality, excellent	Excellent, just right for a group of four. Fantastic hospitality
Q2. What elements did you most enjoy about the workshop?	Letting go of resentment of others	Everything	Discussions, having a small group	Sharing experiences within the group. Learning from others. Learning about myself.
Q3. Did it meet your expected needs?	Far, far beyond	Yes and more	Yes, made me aware of where my fear keep me and how to move forward	Yes and beyond!
Q4. Was the workbook and exercises that were provided useful?	Yes, I’ll review them a great deal	Very and I will be re-reading everything	Yes, gave an opportunity to document ideas and suggestions, which allows reinforcement	Yes, definitely and will continue to be useful when I need a top up.
Q5. What do you feel was most inspirational about the two days?	The intimacy of the group, the other people, the joy in the room	The possibilities of life	The Law of Attraction, Forgiveness, ‘higher self’	Seeing how Di and Andy live what they teach – knowing it is possible
Q6. Do you feel that two days was about the right amount of time for this workshop?	I could happily do a week	Yes. I look forward to the next already	Yes. It would be quite nice to all stay over together as a group	Yes – but may be a follow up session would be good to celebrate our progress
Q7. What did you least enjoy about the two days?	Resisting biscuits on offer! (A choice I decided to make, after the discussion about decisions	Facing my fears	Nothing at all	Realising I could have been much happier had I known this sooner – but I probably wasn’t ready
Q8. Was there anything that you feel could have been added/changed/done differently during the workshop to improve it?	The way I feel – a total release of mental shackles. I don’t see how it could be better	No	No. Very happy with the small group which allowed lively and constructive discussions	No
Q9. Do you feel you have effective tools to help you feel positively about life now?	Yes	Yes	Yes, this is the start, I have the tools, now it is up to me to use them	Yes – and some new friends who have shared this experience
Q10. Do you feel you will be able to consistently apply these tools to your daily living?	I do. I can’t wait to do it!	I feel the tools are there, I might need more guidance	I do. I will start today and do as much as possible each day	Yes – with practise
Q11. What main differences do you feel the workshop will make to your life?	Less stress and a love for all around me	Positivity – Happiness – Success	Feel energised, ready to move forward	I have the confidence to know that I can get through anything and learn from it
Q12. If you could pick one main difference that the workshop will make to your life, what would it be?	To make a choice and not worry “is it wrong???”	Inner Peace	Learning to listen to my higher self	I am in control
Q13. Would you recommend this workshop to your friends, or consider coming to another workshop organised by me?	YES!	Absolutely and I will be!	Absolutely, as I continue on my journey. I’ll look at what else is on offer.	Yes, definitely and will continue to be useful when I need a top up.
Q14. Any other comments – good or bad – feedback is so useful and very much appreciated.	From the bottom of my heart, thank you, and thank me! xxx	THANK YOU XXX	Thank you Di and Andy. I really enjoyed it and can’t wait to start.

And we have received more fantastic feedback from the participants this morning, expressing their gratitude for the amazing way they were feeling, when they woke up, the morning after… LIFE ROCKS!!

Meeting Susan Jeffers

We met up with Susan Jeffers, her husband Mark and their other trainers from the UK and Ireland, in London last week. It was great fun. Susan is an amazing lady; Mark is great too.

Diane MacDowall, Susan Jeffers and Andrew Nicholson

Your Cosmic Identity

I absolutely love this quote from Marianne Williamson, which I came across in Susan Jeffers‘ brilliant book: ‘The Feel The Fear Guide To Lasting Love‘. Marianne’s quote comes from a lecture entitled ‘All I Give Is Given To Myself’.

“If you live your life on the basis of a trashy novel, the Universe will follow suit. But if you live life as a cosmic identity, like someone who matters, then the universe will take you seriously”.

This is totally what the Law of Attraction is all about. You have to take yourself seriously before the universe will. You have to be authentic and find your true cosmic identity in order to he in alignment with the universal laws and flow of abundance.

Read more about how to take yourself seriously and manage your energy and your state here.

Learn more about finding your ‘cosmic identity’ and your authentic self here.

Feel The Fear workshop for women entrepreneurs in London

Andy and Di are pleased and proud to be representing Susan Jeffers at Women Unlimited, where we will be presenting ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway^®‘ to female entrepreneurs in London on 25th November. Click here for details and booking. The event price is £45 which includes a copy of the ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway^®‘ book.

Welcome to Andy & Di’s blog

Welcome to our blog, which is for anyone and everyone. It is also for all of our coaching and workshop clients to keep in contact, see what we are up to, keep up with our latest news and ask us questions, sharing in the answers.

The blog is also for anyone else who wants to learn how to transform their life, their outcomes and their level of happiness, find fulfillment, find their purpose and live authentically.

Throughout the blog we will signpost you to great resources to help you to overcome fear or anxiety, turn around limiting beliefs, understand yourself better, understand intimacy and relationships and create and manifest the life of your dreams, completely on-purpose. Where appropriate we will give you links to the relevant pages on our web sites or on other people’s. Here are our web sites:

• www.dimacdowall-lifecoaching.co.uk
• www.connecttoyourpotential.com (our all new website) – check it out for the most powerfulwasy to manifest to your fullest potential

Have fun reading and contributing.

Please note that all postings on this blog, unless otherwise stated, are Copyright Andrew Nicholson & Diane MacDowall © 2008 and are protected by a Creative Commons Licence by Attribution Not for Commercial Use No Derivative Works click here if you are in any doubt about the terms of this. Postings written by us on this blog can be copied in their entirity (not altered) and reproduced (not sold) so long as the following is also included: Copyright Andrew Nicholson & Diane MacDowall © 2008, http://cosmicattraction.wordpress.com

Love and light

Andy & Di x