Andy & Di are Keynote Speakers at The Divorce Show

We will be appearing at The Divorce Show as keynote speakers on September 11-13th at The NEC, Birmingham, where we are also delighted to announce a world first!! We are launching a brand new workshop: ‘The Feel The Fear Guide to Lasting Love‘ based on the excellent work of Susan Jeffers in her book of the same name, plus top advice from Susan’s other relationship books: ‘Dare To Connect’ and ‘Opening Our Hearts To Men’. As licensed and approved trainers for Susan’s most famous book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ and as experienced relationship coaches in our own right, we are delighted to be able to bring you Susan’s unique, insightful and invaluable views on relationships.

The UK has one of the world’s highest rates of divorce, with around 140,000 married couples going through it each year. For some, it can be a relief. But for very many, it is a shattering ordeal. The Divorce Show 2009 is the UK’s largest national event dedicated to delivering a wealth of information, helpful advice and practical resources for those simply questioning their marital status or wanting to repair a relationship breakdown to those initiating divorce or beginning life again after legal separation.

Can I Overcome Infidelity… an affair?

The bottom line on affairs and infidelity is that they are down to one or most likely both partners not getting their needs met. At a more subtle level there is likely to be a misalignment in each other’s values as well.

As a result, one or most likely both partners are getting their needs met in an unhealthy way – which is what infidelity is. The act of infidelity gets branded as sacrilege against the marriage vows and trust in the relationships – which it is. Yet, in the cold light of day, infidelity is simply one manifestation of getting unfulfilled needs met.

Whilst we do not condone or trivialise infidelity, in many ways, it is a similar response as Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling (the four common causes of disconnection in couples), or some of the addictive behaviours that we adopt when we are not happy and seeking external stimulation, such as over eating, drinking, gambling, pornography etc.

When you work on yourself, so that you can meet your needs in healthy way, you climb out of an unhealthy low energy and emotional state, instead rising up into a more empowering state. [See these two links on managing your energy and getting better results). From this new, more healthy perspective, it is possible to show love, understanding and compassion, for yourself and your partner, seeing through their behaviour. From here, anything is possible – including overcoming infidelity.

How to avoid Divorce

Aside from advising people not to get married (as clearly the majority of people who do so are clueless as to what they are getting into, as Diane and I were in our failed marriages) what can be done to drastically reduce the high rates of divorce?

As far back as 1983, behavioural scientists found that they were able to predict, with over 90 percent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship (e.g. a separation or divorce) over a three-year period just by examining their physiology and behaviour during a conflict discussion, and later just from an interview about how the couple viewed their past.

So if behaviour, your view of your past and physiology are so closely linked to disconnection and divorce – it would seem reasonable to believe they also hold the keys to success in marriage. We certainly think so….

The scientists found almost identical patterns of behaviour existed for couples four years later (those that had not already split up) – in 69% of cases the same topics were causing conflict. So no learning or helpful modifications in behaviour and communication had occurred. These same scientists went on to develop an understanding of why relationships fail and how to avoid the common causes of relationship failure i.e: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Communication is only 7% about the words that you use; 38% is your tonality and a massive 55% is your physiology (body language). Learning how to master your tonality and body-language will help you to enjoy massively different results, not only in your intimacy, but in every day communication.

Taking full responsibility for your outcomes and learning is essential if the mistakes of the past are to be avoided. Consider this: if you feel fair or even noble by accepting 50% of the blame for the failure of your relationship – are you also denying 50% of the responsibility too? Successfully moving on and avoiding making the same mistakes can only be guaranteed if you both take 100% responsibility for yourselves and do not blame or try to change your partner.

An extended study of couples over 20 years found a different group of people, who did not display heated conflicts, but who surprisingly started divorcing after 16-22 years. These people were typically calm, in control of their lives and ‘pillars of the community’. Typically, these divorces caused much surprise amongst the couple’s peer group. On revisiting the initial videotapes interviews, the scientists discovered a lack of obvious love and connection – a kind of neutral relationship, lacking in affection and humour. This demonstrates both a lack of emotional maturity and lack of sexual connection, spark or ‘polarity’ (as we call it). There is probably also a high degree of complacency, backed up by the beliefs that htis is all there is and you have no control over the situation. Separate research has identified the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Getting a grip on this really, honesty, humility, openness and a conviction to positive change is a must.

The final important piece of the scientist’s research was that as well as (i) handling conflict, (ii) friendship, humour and intimacy, (iii) there was a third important factor in relationship success: a joint sense of purpose and meaning.

Here at Cosmic Attraction we have many years of expertise in helping our clients to take responsibility for their energy, their emotional state, their beliefs and to identify their true purpose in life. For couples, we facilitate the creation of shared vision, under-pinned by a clear understanding of values, through our process to elicit your values and all the underlying motivating factors.

Find out more here: http://www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk

Is Divorce Inevitable?

Each year there are some 270,000 marriages in the UK and 150,000 divorces. Each year divorce directly affects 80,000 more children – more than a million children are affected by divorce in the UK. In the Western World there are 20,000 divorces per week – that’s 1,000,000 per year.

The reasons given for divorce (as filed at the courts) is 45% Unreasonable Behaviour and 21% Adultery. The reality that 80% of relationships suffer from infidelity, as a result of an inability to keep off ‘the road to fear’ and its associated behaviours, plus the inevitable consequences of loss of connection and lack of a healthy, balanced polarity in the relationship.

The grass can often seem greener elsewhere, especially when there is a misalignment between partners’ values, compounded by emotionally immature behaviour, leading to severe disconnection. When in a state of fear, anxiety or depression, things always seem worse than they are, and we tend to focus on negatives and blow them out of proportion. In this state of mind, failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Before making any decisions, a rational view of the whole state of the relationship is required.

Some of us unfortunately get together for entirely the wrong reasons (without any rational basis). Others of us have started to understand ourselves better and have changed, or maybe we realise that we don’t understand ourselves and decide to change our lives in order to ‘find ourselves’. In either case, this can lead to one person (or both) in the relationship changing and growing apart from the other.

So for some of us, ending a relationship with grace, understanding and acceptance is the best option.

When contemplating staying together for the kids, or when there is a clear determination from both parties to make it work, then developing a deep understanding of each other’s needs and values is essential. There are 6 fundamental human needs, plus we all have dozens of values and valued activities that compete for our attention. In all cases of value or need, we can meet that value or need in an unhealthy way (causing relationship stress) or we can meet them in a much more healthy and empowering way.

There are relationship therapists who believe most marriages are worth saving. It is certainly the case that through the power of truth, firstly with yourself and then with your spouse or partner, there are few problems that are insurmountable. A majority of marriages fail due to lack of communication, lack of affection, criticism/nagging and contempt, as opposed to the more serious issues where they are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved.

Andy and Diane can show you whether and how you are meeting your human needs right now – the positive and negative effects on your relationship, plus we have a process to elicit your values and underlying motivations, which again can have different effects on your level of connection with others. This is a sophisticated process that can lead to dramatic insights and decisions made to improve your and your partner’s experience of life and each other, with immediate effect.

Be the change that you want to see…..

Does Divorce Lead to Happiness?

Getting divorced does not necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, the two are not really linked at all. The wounds can last for several years, as can the nagging doubt over doing it better next time, or the entrenchment of ‘never again’. It is vital to regain any lost identity and in fact find your true identity, cut emotional ties with any negative past emotions. When it is impossible not to see your ex, you don’t have the luxury of time to help the healing process – so only understanding and acceptance will work.

The terrible divorce statistics for first marriages (fast approaching 50% failure rate), only get worse second (65% failure) and third time around (75% failure).

Research in the USA has indicated that divorced individuals are no happier 5 years after their divorce, than when they were getting divorced (even those that had remarried). Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. The same study showed that five years later, two thirds of those on the verge of divorce, who stayed together, were in fact significantly happier [Note: the research showed an improvement in happiness, as opposed to high levels of happiness]. Three reasons were given for this: (i) enduring problems… which eventually eased, (ii) working to solve problems, change behaviour, or improve communication, (iii) the individuals finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage (in this study, three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage).

OK, so divorce is not, at least in itself, the answer to a happier future!

In our experience, only truth and learning can set you free from the past and ensure that the future is brighter. Whilst time can gradually reduced the intensity and rawness of any feelings, it takes learning to do things differently to create an empowering new future.