Andy & Di Talk Dating on BBC Radio

If you would like to listen to our feature on Dating and Internet Dating from this morning’s Annie Othen Morning Show on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire, you can download it here. It is a 4.4MB MP3 file, 12.5 minutes in duration. We share our pearls of wisdom with Annie, who asked some great questions…

Dating Strategies

Very few of us, when single, have developed and used an effective dating strategy. As a result we typically:

1. Can’t find any dates
2. Keep dating the ‘wrong types’
3. Are attracted to the ‘wrong’ things that don’t lead to lasting fulfillment
4. Have lots of dates, but no depth or commitment
5. Are looking for sex, not love, to help us feel better about ourselves
6. Keep repeating old habits and scenarios in relationships

There has been much written about dating and flirting. Typically, dating and flirting advice focuses on how to attract someone, by presenting yourself in a way that is not representative of who you really are. This is a lie, one that cannot be sustained and inevitably leads to disappointment.

Dating and relationship problems usually start for three reasons:

1. Patterns of relationship behaviour that we have learned
   
2. Emotional baggage from our previous relationships, or limiting beliefs about ourselves if we have been largely single
3. A poor selection strategy – ranging from desperation, to thinking we won’t find anyone better, to not knowing at all what we really want (or need) in a partner

Which of these scenarios have you played out?

As a result, we often ‘end up’ in relationships, rather than plan them and we start out grateful or flattered… not too objective. We generally put on a huge mask when dating as we put our best foot forward, frequently creating an illusion of who we are (who we’d like to be perceived as).

Unfortunately for most of us, the initial chemistry (often infatuation) quickly dies down. The chemistry and infatuation is in fact all too often between two masks, not the real authentic people. Once the masks start to slip, a completely new relationship starts to emerge – between two relative strangers. Believe it or not, this can happen after a few days, weeks, months or even (quite often according to research) after 20 years or more, often after the kids have left.

We actually have at least four layers of identity (two masks, a lie, plus our true selves):

1. The most superficial layer – our best foot forward; our projection of how we would like others to see us. This is us consciously presenting ourselves (when we remember to).
2. The presenting layer – how we are most of the time – a combination of our internal dialogue and the range of behaviours, reactions and emotions that result – this is the state that we are in ourselves and results in how the word sees us most of the time. This is largely an automatic/sub-conscious layer of identity. It is often closely aligned to our inner self (see 3). We may have many different persona’s that we present both consciously and sub-consciously in different situations and in different relationships.
3. Our inner self layer– the inner representation of how we see ourselves. This is our relationship with ourselves. It largely takes the form of limiting self-beliefs, negative or un-resourceful beliefs/emotional states. This layer identifies itself in the form of our self-talk or ‘chatterbox’ – the inner critic. We are said to have on average 60,000 thoughts per day, which for most people are 70-85% negative and very repetitious.
4. Your authentic self (also known as your higher self) – a combination of your values, needs, morals, empowering beliefs, skills, motivations, true feelings. Most of us never give ourselves the chance to acquaint ourselves with and understand our authentic self and choose to live an authentic life.

A QUESTION: So without getting the education and support to understand yourself and be authentic -  what hope is there of you and your partner assessing your compatibility and the likelihood of lasting love and fulfilment? Our workshops, tools and coaching give you this and much much more…

Your Success in Love and Relationships is hugely dependant upon the relationship that you have with yourself. This in turn is dependant upon understanding yourself:

• What energy you are in? This is a major determinant of your success in attracting and sustaining an amazing relationship – it covers the energetics of fear vs. love and masculine vs. feminine
• Your beliefs and the influence of your upbringing and conditioning by parents, society and role models, plus your interpretation of your experiences in life thus far
• Your habits and behaviours (largely influenced by your beliefs)
• Your needs and values
• Your emotions and emotional mastery
• Your communication skills
• The level of control and influence that you believe you have over the above
• Your ability to show up consistently as your true self without the perceived need to wear a false mask
  

With an understanding of yourself and mastery of some of the issues that hold you back, you are then ready to master relationships with others. With a heightened self-awareness and authenticity, you can set out to attract someone who is similarly aware. When you both know yourselves and what you want – there is a much greater chance of success.

If you are willing not to settle for second best, then we can help you to truly master yourself, work out the characteristics of your ultimate ideal partner and give you the tools and understanding of how to attract them.

If you would like to develop a successful approach to attracting and sustaining an amazing ultimate relationship, then I can help. I’ve done it for myself, I’ve helped others do it.

Love & Light, Andy