Cryptic men and curious women

A great blog about communication, interpretation and curiosity (you know what it did to the cat!) , by Robyn Godfrey, reproduced here with her permission:

“ambiguous, equivocal, cryptic, enigmatic describe conditions or statements not clear in meaning. ambiguous can refer to a statement, act, or attitude that is capable of two or more often contradictory interpretations, usually accidentally or unintentionally so: an ambiguous passage in the preamble. equivocal, usually applied to spoken as well as written language, also means susceptible of two or more interpretations, and it usually suggests a deliberate intent to mislead by avoiding clarity: saving face with an equivocal response to an embarrassing question. cryptic usually refers to intentional obscurity, especially in language, and often implies a private or hidden meaning but stresses resultant mystification or puzzlement: a cryptic remark that left us struggling to interpret his intention. enigmatic focuses on perplexity resulting from a mysterious or imponderable event or utterance, often one of great importance or deep significance: prophetic texts so enigmatic that their meaning has been disputed for centuries.” (grabbed from dictionary reference)

Its hard to even find a single article about this, maybe I have the wrong phase, but I’m not sure what else to call this.

There’s nothing more frustrating than a cryptic man.. or woman for that matter. but I have noticed its men mostly.. examples are probably most spiritual gurus/guides out there..if hadn’t of read Eckhart Tolles books, i would still to this day be wondering what the hell those people were on about, (Tolle being very uncryptic.. talks in simple terms. explains any “sayings” he uses etc) and I guess Brock Palmer (SL relationship Wisdom guide) would be another one who speaks in a clear language.

I am really thinking now these guru type people come up with this junk to draw in the followers, make themselves seem as almost supernatural thinkers… it seems almost like a planned tactic.. maybe it is.. a very old one..

I know those phrases and sayings do have value and meaning, I really love quotes, I do and I love quotes that get you thinking for yourself.. but! there’s a limit for me.. constant riddles and cryptic phrases with no answers in the end causes confusion and frustration.. why should I always have to be asking what they mean.. obviously they already know, so why not just say it! I really don’t need to be living my life in constant frustration and annoyance trying to get answers.. I will eventually just give up and ignore them.

In my personal life, I have to admit I find cryptic men a lure, my “need to know” attitude feeds my curiosity immensely to the point of utter frustration…half truths, subtle hidden meanings, cryptic questions and answers just pull me in to find out more, I can waste a hell of a lot of time just thinking on what they really mean, trying to find the “truth”… but with little possibility of actual answers, …as with teachers and guides.. I will eventually give up trying when the frustration is stronger than my curiosity.

Maybe its that most men find talking about certain things difficult, so they create riddles for you to figure it out.. but get over it!.. what year is this anyway? we should be open and clear with each other, we have a common language, lets try using it! …

Cryptic guys?. if you have something to say.. just say it. you wont be thought of as any less of a man.. in fact the opposite!

How to avoid Divorce

Aside from advising people not to get married (as clearly the majority of people who do so are clueless as to what they are getting into, as Diane and I were in our failed marriages) what can be done to drastically reduce the high rates of divorce?

As far back as 1983, behavioural scientists found that they were able to predict, with over 90 percent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship (e.g. a separation or divorce) over a three-year period just by examining their physiology and behaviour during a conflict discussion, and later just from an interview about how the couple viewed their past.

So if behaviour, your view of your past and physiology are so closely linked to disconnection and divorce – it would seem reasonable to believe they also hold the keys to success in marriage. We certainly think so….

The scientists found almost identical patterns of behaviour existed for couples four years later (those that had not already split up) – in 69% of cases the same topics were causing conflict. So no learning or helpful modifications in behaviour and communication had occurred. These same scientists went on to develop an understanding of why relationships fail and how to avoid the common causes of relationship failure i.e: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Communication is only 7% about the words that you use; 38% is your tonality and a massive 55% is your physiology (body language). Learning how to master your tonality and body-language will help you to enjoy massively different results, not only in your intimacy, but in every day communication.

Taking full responsibility for your outcomes and learning is essential if the mistakes of the past are to be avoided. Consider this: if you feel fair or even noble by accepting 50% of the blame for the failure of your relationship – are you also denying 50% of the responsibility too? Successfully moving on and avoiding making the same mistakes can only be guaranteed if you both take 100% responsibility for yourselves and do not blame or try to change your partner.

An extended study of couples over 20 years found a different group of people, who did not display heated conflicts, but who surprisingly started divorcing after 16-22 years. These people were typically calm, in control of their lives and ‘pillars of the community’. Typically, these divorces caused much surprise amongst the couple’s peer group. On revisiting the initial videotapes interviews, the scientists discovered a lack of obvious love and connection – a kind of neutral relationship, lacking in affection and humour. This demonstrates both a lack of emotional maturity and lack of sexual connection, spark or ‘polarity’ (as we call it). There is probably also a high degree of complacency, backed up by the beliefs that htis is all there is and you have no control over the situation. Separate research has identified the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Getting a grip on this really, honesty, humility, openness and a conviction to positive change is a must.

The final important piece of the scientist’s research was that as well as (i) handling conflict, (ii) friendship, humour and intimacy, (iii) there was a third important factor in relationship success: a joint sense of purpose and meaning.

Here at Cosmic Attraction we have many years of expertise in helping our clients to take responsibility for their energy, their emotional state, their beliefs and to identify their true purpose in life. For couples, we facilitate the creation of shared vision, under-pinned by a clear understanding of values, through our process to elicit your values and all the underlying motivating factors.

Find out more here: http://www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk