Why it can be a good thing to ‘crash and burn’ !!

Here is a video of us being interviewed at the Starting Over Show in London recently. Whilst only 4 1/2 minutes long, the video captures many of the fundamental keys to our Authentic Transformation process. Thanks to Suzy Miller, the organiser of the Starting Over Show (http://sosvillage.org/)

From Frustration, Anger and Divorce to Authenticity, Love and Acceptance

Hi, I’m Andy Nicholson, relationship and authenticity coach and personal development trainer.

I’m living the life of my choosing, I have learned to love and accept myself, I have learned to love and accept others (although I’m not always as wonderful at this as I might like!! – I am still a work in progress).

It was not always like this…. Five years ago after redundancy and divorce, I was mainly angry and frustrated – I was not in control of my life or my emotions. I was stuck, disempowered.

Then I came to realise that I could become very empowered. I was in fact at a crossroads in my life. Before me was a blank sheet of paper, on which I could design the life that I wanted…

But what did I want? What was possible for me?

I did not know. All I knew was what I did not want. The truth is that I was proud of knowing what I did not want. I felt that it gave me direction, helped me to make choices. I even gave myself kudos for this strategy in life. In my 20s it seemed to work, I seemed to be happier than some of my peers who perhaps did know what they wanted (or thought that they did) and were angry, fearful or depressed for not achieving their desired outcomes. Some even looked up to me for doing what I did.

Then, in my 30s, after my entrepreneurial businesses had ‘failed’ I knuckled down into a career, got a mortgage, a pension, got married… I did all the ‘normal’ stuff. I felt that I did not have enough fun and took life too seriously – but I believed I ‘had’ to, I was conditioned to think like this – the good old protestant work ethic…. So I made attempts to be more fun, more outgoing, I even chose a wife who was very much a fun, party animal, extroverted, the life and soul, needed at least three expensive holidays per year…. She warned me against marrying her, as she felt that she may be too much (for me, for many men) – her statement “I’m a nightmare, don’t marry me” fell on deaf ears. I felt that I was a match for her concerns. Boy, was I deluding myself! Now don’t get me wrong, my ex-wife is a wonderful woman, we just had different expectations, a different pace, differing priorities, values and beliefs. The truth is that her life works for her. Mine was not working for me and in many ways, I unwittingly tried to use her to fix me.

So there I was, 39, uninspired by my job, divorced, directionless. At this point, I bumped into an old friend of mine. After listening to my tale of woe (I poured my heart out – dumped all my frustration onto him), he suggested that I go along to a monthly meeting. No, it was not religious, it was about personal development (PD). I’d actually come across a few ‘PD’ and self-help books in previous years, and whilst interesting and inspiring, like most people, once read, I just carried on as normal, deluding myself that I did not need to change me – I just needed the world to change and give me a break!

I enjoyed the personal development get-togethers. Some great speakers started to challenge my mind-set and my beliefs and gradually open me up to new possibilities. I also enjoyed being around people who were more positive. Of course, I believed that some of the speakers, who had achieved great things, had some special talents that I did not possess and could not possess, so I did not intend to try to emulate them. It was safer and easier that way.

Then, after 10 months of attending the PD meetings, two relationship coaches gave a talk that would cause me to change my life. I’d been separated for nearly a year. My divorce had come through, yet the feelings were still raw. I felt like the marriage had been a waste of time, effort and a lot of money. I had yet to be able to take anything positive from the experience, especially any learnings. I felt like I was likely to make the same mistakes all over again (and I was).

I had been going out on lots of dates, courtesy of match.com and Dating Direct. Initially, this was just to get me out of the marital house and have some fun – living under the same roof for 10 months whilst separated was not much fun. I quickly found that I was able to feel more like my old self when out flirting. Yet after a while, there I was again, seeking the answers and my happiness outside of me, from others – seeking recognition and affirmation.

The 2 ½ hour talk by the relationship coaches, who were married, blew me away. It challenged so many of my beliefs about relationships and challenged my very identity and behaviour as a man. I had to know more. I signed up for their four day retreat at their base in Austria. Three months later, I had the most enjoyable and eye-opening four days of my life. I loved their teachings, it all seemed to make so much sense and yet was so contrary to how I ran my life. I recognised for the first time that I possessed an awesome set of values, and a lousy set of beliefs. I was living my life according to my beliefs, out of alignment with my values – hence I was unfulfilled and frustrated.

Picture – Andrew on top of the world (well, a small mountain) in Austria.

While in Austria, I also started to recognise that only I could take responsibility for my life and achieving better outcomes and more happiness. No one could do it for me. It sounds obvious now, yet how many of us are kidding ourselves…? On the Sunday, over breakfast, whilst discussing the meaning of life… I had an epiphany!  The work of the Retreat was completely in alignment with my values. I found the Retreat owners to be inspiring and I felt passionate about their purpose in life. I wanted to help them to help others like me. Plus, I had all these business, marketing and IT skills, which their ‘cottage industry’ could benefit from – I could help them to spread the word.

So to cut a long story short, 6 months later I moved to Austria, lived and worked at the retreat for 20 months, and almost by osmosis (and by attending over 30 days of training that they offered), my outlook on life transformed. While in Austria, I still liked female attention. I dated a couple of girls and flirted with a couple of others. While I was gradually awakening to myself, I was still in some denial. I was denying my potential. Although I felt that I now had my ideal vocation, I still would not face up to what I wanted in an ideal relationship. I underestimated and under-valued myself.

After 12 months in Austria, I decided that it was time to stop playing games. It was time to claim what was rightfully mine – the life of my dreams, a life and a journey that I wanted to share with my soul-mate (whoever she was). My role in Austria was not stretching me enough and I did not feel that the opportunity to grow at the same pace would remain open to me.  I also put out my intention to meet my soul-mate and I trusted that I would find her when the time was right. This was in April 2007.

Around the same time that I went to Austria, I enrolled to train in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), a branch of psychology and personal development that is based around how the brain works and how we think and behave. NLP introduced me to the concept that we all a have wildly different values and beliefs. Along with our innate talents and learned skills, this is what makes us unique – who we are and how we behave.

Andy’s Values
2006	2008
Love Happiness Integrity Connection Growth Health Humour Passion Affection Creativity Family Freedom Abundance	Happiness Pleasure Zest for life Balance Connection Health Purpose Freedom Direction Contribution Congruence Growth Creativity

Having identified my values, I started to want to be more congruent with them and to act with integrity. This lead to two things: firstly, a desire to go back to the UK in order to create my life how I wanted it, living my purpose rather than supporting someone else’s and secondly the desire to find my soul-mate.

You can see in the table opposite how my values changed over two years. I discovered more purpose, energy and enthusiasm, placed myself my purpose and my freedom above the need to please others and seek approval. This shift in values reflected what I had learned from my mentors in Austria about ‘turning up my masculinity dial’.

Being a kind, empathetic and supportive person, I’ve never had too much trouble getting in touch with my feminine side. We all have masculine and feminine aspects to our character. Many would say that to be a balanced and whole person we have to embrace and integrate both these energies, i.e. the yin and yang.

At the end of a 10 day relationship coaching training course in Austria with 12 other people, we were each rated (by the group) on our behaviour and how we outwardly expressed ourselves in terms of masculine vs. feminine energy. This was a fascinating and nerve wracking experience!! My score came out as 59 masculine and 44 feminine. Both scores are out of 100, the theory being that we will typically spend 70-80% of our time displaying the core energy of our gender, i.e. I would typically be 70-80% in my masculine and 20-30% in my feminine. As I said, a fascinating and not un-controversial subject! Again, to cut a long story short, I reckon my energy is now more like 75-80% masculine and 30-35% feminine. This shift has definitely helped me to become more authentically myself.

This is another great example of how I have transformed my experience of life. From all of my study and learnings, I have created what I call my model of Authentic Transformation. This is not a process of re-inventing yourself, or swapping one false self, for a slightly better false self. This process of true personal and spiritual (with a small ‘s’) development is about identifying who you really are and learning the tools that allow you to be authentically you, in all situations and roles. Whilst what I learned and how I turned up my masculinity certainly helped me a lot as a single man, when it came to putting this into practise within relationships, it was not without major challenges…

Towards the end of my stay in Austria, in July 2007, I received an e-mail from one of the dating sites that I had been on a few months earlier. A lady in America had read my profile and sent me an email. I’d not been on the site for several months and my membership had lapsed. I had no desire to start a transatlantic relationship. Whilst online, I looked at who else was also online – there were only a handful of people. I immediately resonated with one of the profiles, a lady from the Highlands of Scotland. We connected and clicked straight away. I happened to be back in the UK the very next week, for the first time in a year. I cheekily invited her to fly down and meet me. She did, and the rest is history… I’d been looking for my soul-mate and I’d found her. Six months later, I moved back to the UK and Diane left her life in Scotland to come and live and work together with me. We had only spent three weeks together in those six months. The fact that we had both done a lot of work on ourselves, and were able to be ourselves without any egos, masks game playing, without the need to try to impress, made all the difference. Our story is featured in other articles.

By loving ourselves 10 out of 10, we were able to accept ourselves and speak our truth to each other without any neediness and falseness. Some people may thing that loving yourself at a ‘10’ is arrogant, egotistical, selfish or even narcissistic! It is not. In fact it is the most self-less thing that you can do. For when you are full of love, you only have love to give others – you lose the need to blame, criticise, judge, hate…

Now it may seem like I am painting a very idyllic picture and everything has been plain sailing. That is definitely not the case. Intimate relationships are one of life’s most challenging things. Not only do you have to master your own behaviour, you have to learn to do so in close proximity to another, very different being. Diane and I are very different. We seemed to accept each other in principle, there were still aspects of each other’s behaviour that we each found challenging. Whilst we share many values, beliefs and our purpose in life, our personality styles are very different. This caused us some challenges, especially living and working together 24/7. Throughout, we have remained convinced that we are soul-mates or ‘twin flames’ and we have experienced amazing connection, synergy and love.  We have had to learn new tools and insights to enable our love to flourish and achieve its true potential.

Ten months into our relationship we enrolled on a training course about the Enneagram personality ‘typing’ system. I had been aware of a variety of such systems; whilst interesting, they all seemed rather complex, confusing and hardly earth-shattering. The Enneagram was different, it dealt with the whole person, you could really identify with it. For us, it was like the missing piece of the jigsaw. It finally explained why Di and I were so different and it allowed us to understand, accept and embrace those differences. We now use the Enneagram with many of our clients.

The other missing piece of the jigsaw for most people is their fears, underpinned by limiting beliefs. Whilst working in the PD industry, I noticed ‘pareto’ at work; only 20% of people seemed to take what they had been taught and use it to transform their lives and achieve the results that they wanted. They other 80% did not – they unwittingly seemed to treat the process as an intellectual exercise, ticking boxes, perhaps becoming ‘course junkies’. When I met Diane, she was Susan Jeffers first and only ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ tutor. I now teach this incredible workshop, based on the best selling book, with Di. It is the most powerful agent of change. It is also the first step that most people need to take in their journey; a step once taken that enables anyone to play full out in all aspects of life, taking and applying the most from any other training that they do.

With these tools and experiences, we believe that we have created a framework that can enable anyone to turn their lives around, overcoming fear, limiting beliefs and unhelpful models of the world; connecting with their values, personality style, emotionality, purpose, personal responsibility and accountability. It is an holistic approach – one that can deliver both immediate benefits and a transformation that takes months rather than years and hundreds rather than thousands of £s.

So in summary, growing up and learning to take responsibility for your life is a process of:

SELF AWARENESS to SELF-ACCEPTANCE to SELF-ACTUALISATION

Self-actualisation is a term used by the famous psychologist Abraham Maslow, who created the wonderful model ‘the hierarchy of human needs’ – this is another powerful tool of self-discovery that we use. For me, self-actualisation means being the best that I can be. During this process of authentic transformation, you also learn to accept and value others and their differences. This journey can also be thought of as evolving from:

DEPENDENCE to INDEPENENCE to INTER-DEPENDENCE

When life goes according to plan, most of us learn to move successfully from dependence to independence. When life gets hard, we may become fiercely independent, not letting others in, or we may relapse back into co-dependency seemingly unable or unwilling to take responsibility for ourselves. Inter-dependence is being able to accept, cooperate and collaborate with others, learning to give unconditionally and also to be able to ask for help and to willingly receive.

Some of the key learnings from my own journey include:

•    I am way more than my fears, beliefs and alter-ego
•    No one else can do it for me; they can help me to see more clearly and find ‘my way’
•    The answers are not outside of me
•    The answer is not to seek an intimate relationship to fill me up or fill the gaps in my life
•    Be open to new learnings, new perspectives and to challenge my beliefs – constantly
•    To become free of ego, opinion and judgement
•    To accept and embrace that we are all different
•    Real love is free of fear
•    Unhelpful behaviour and unresourceful emotions are largely habitual
•    More empowering behaviour and emotions can be learned
•    We are all innately good inside. We all have a ‘higher self’

Much has been written in recent years about the importance of ‘emotional intelligence’, yet there is little practical help out there to achieve it. Everything that Di and I have learned and developed in our coaching and training business is about helping people to become emotionally intelligent, to be able to live and love with others in inter-dependence, and to live the self-actualised life of your dreams.

We are giving at talk at the ‘Starting Over Show’ in London on Sunday March 7th 2010, where we will also have a stand. Do come and see us.

Andy & Di x

www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk www.dimacdowall-lifecoaching.co.uk

‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ is a registered trademark of Susan Jeffers, PhD and is being used with her express permission.

How to create a beautiful intimate relationship – lessons for Starting Over

So many people assume that their relationships just happen to them, with little understanding that it will in fact unfold in direct reflection of their own thoughts and feelings about themselves. You see, we all take a certain amount of ‘baggage’ into our relationships with us in the form of conditioning from our past which creates our beliefs and sense of self-worth if we allow it to. Most of us are blissfully unaware of what these patterns of behaviour are, but they will all be subtly reflected in our behaviour towards our partner.

There are two facts which will help you understand how your relationships unfold; the first is that no one can love you more than you love yourself; the second is that you teach others how to treat you.

Loving Yourself and Putting Yourself First

Many of us continually put our own needs behind those of our partner, whilst secretly harbouring resentment about doing so. This in fact teaches our partner that we do not value ourselves, yet we are so surprised when they begin treating us in the same way. When we learn to love ourselves and fulfil our own needs, then we have an abundance to give and share with others. Remember too, that your partner will always be able to sense and feel your underlying energy or ‘state’, whether you have a smile on your face or not… What lies beneath your surface will show itself in seemingly subtle, yet powerful ways…

It’s vitally important for you to be aware of who you’re taking into the relationship with you. By this, I mean you… Understanding and loving yourself fully is the biggest gift you can give to yourself, to your partner and to your relationship. When you love yourself you take no neediness into the relationship with you. If instead, you make your partner responsible for creating your happiness and fulfilling your needs, a huge burden is placed upon them. Not only that, but you will always be in fear of what may happen if at any time they don’t fulfil those needs. It puts a great strain on both of you… When two partners behave like this it is known as a co-dependency.

Loving yourself brings many wonderful virtues into the partnership with you… Firstly, you enter into the relationship as your true self, without putting on any kind of act or mask to try and be what you think your partner expects you to be. You wouldn’t even entertain being anyone other than your true self, because you’d know without doubt that you are worth loving for who you are. You would also know that being single is far better than being in a fake relationship simply for the sake of it. When we put on this kind of mask, not only is it exhausting to keep up the act, but it builds a great deal of resentment beneath the surface because we feel we can never really be ourselves… ironically! Yet, so many of us do this sub-consciously. You will never feel truly loved for who you are when you’re not being yourself. Many enter into a game of ‘fake love’ by doing and being things that will gain us love and appreciation… Life becomes a game of acting so that we don’t experience rejection or disapproval… How different life would be though, if we didn’t fear either of these things in the first place. Well, this is exactly the essence of why loving yourself is so vital.

It’s hugely important to real-ise, that when two people hide behind a mask, the masks will eventually fall away, revealing two complete strangers. Most people call that initial stage the ‘honeymoon phase’… and then wonder why things are never as exciting as they were in the beginning, or they wonder what they ever saw in their partner and the ideal of the relationship.

When you love yourself, you will be able to gift your partner with a huge amount of freedom. You come into the relationship from a place of unattachment. By this I mean unattached to any outcome – you do not place the burden of “I expect you to be with me for the rest of my life, whether you like it or not!” on your partner… get the picture? This is what attachment looks like… You will not be fearful of them leaving you if they choose to because you’ll know that no matter what happens; you’ll handle everything just perfectly. Such fears often destroy relationships with ‘bad’ energy.

By simply choosing to be together, rather than needing to be together, this allows you to place a huge amount of trust in your partner. By also trusting in yourself to deal with anything, it allows you to ‘give’ yourself to the relationship from a place of vulnerability. The strange thing is, that if your partner senses this kind of vulnerable energy in you and sees it reflected in your behaviour, they are not likely to want to leave you or give you any reason to mistrust them… it’s amazing how it all unfolds. On the other hand, when you attempt to trap your partner through your mistrust of them because you couldn’t handle it if they ever left you… and you continually question them and take away their freedom, they are far more likely to respond with exactly the behaviour you’re most fearful of… by leaving you and/or by ending up in the arms of another…

So are you beginning to understand how we create our relationships…?

Where Is Your Focus?

One of the most magical things about sharing yourself with another is that what you focus on in your partner is what will transpire. If you focus on all the good, you will see more of it. You partner will sense that you are seeing the best in them and their behaviour towards you will reflect that. If on the other hand, you’re focusing on everything your partner does wrong, or are expecting negative behaviour from them, they will also sense this and reflect it straight back to you with exactly what you’re expecting.

One of the most beautiful things you can gift your partner with is a list of all the wonderful things they do for you, letting them know just how much you appreciate them. This creates a beautiful loving bond between you both. Not only that, but it opens your heart to true love lets them know just how valid they are in your life. In doing so, please don’t demand that they reply with a counter-list, because this is not giving from a place of authenticity… this is giving in order to receive, which will also leave you in a fearful energy. So many of us tend to work on a hidden barter system when we give; a great example of this is to ask yourself how you felt the last time you sent your partner a loving text or e-mail and didn’t receive a reply? If you were disappointed by their lack of response, then was your gesture truly authentic, or simply because you needed to hear their reply? Giving with no expectation of how or if they should respond according to your rules is indeed a very loving thing to do.

Dangerous Assumptions

Another biggie in terms of relationships is to learn never to make assumptions about anything…ever! When your partner says or does something, their patterns of behaviour and ‘model of the world’ won’t necessarily match yours. Whatever the assumption has been made about has been transferred from their beliefs and perception of the world into yours, which will of course be entirely different. But instead of always assuming the best, we tend to make negative assumptions about what’s just happened, then either don’t say a word and resent it, or launch into an argument.

The best way to make assumptions if you must make them and want a loving, committed relationship, is to always make the best possible ones about your partner’s behaviour and intentions. If he or she says something that has hurt you, express your feelings in a loving way immediately and without blame. Andy and I agreed from day one that if either of us said anything which hurt the other, we would say “Ouch” and explain what had hurt us. We were staggered by the number of times we found ourselves saying “Ouch” when in fact, the other meant something entirely different from the way it was perceived and most certainly not intended to hurt. You might be surprised to find that you make far more negative assumptions that you’d ever imagine… Be aware that if these build up without resolution, they will create a huge amount of tension, resentment and animosity between you…

We often feel infatuated during the early stages of a relationship. This is generally the case when we don’t love ourselves fully and feel that burst of love and appreciation from a new partner which takes our ‘love score’ up to a 10 out of 10. These are the times when we usually become the person we think they want us to be, purely to ensure that we keep receiving that burst of love. This is the mask I mentioned earlier, and it can become an addiction. This is also unfortunately very fearful behaviour, because if they don’t provide the love we need in order to feel great about ourselves, we tend to take an emotional dive into the depths of despair. If, on the other hand, you have genuine love for yourself to begin with, then rather than thinking “Thank goodness someone loves me”, you can remain more realistic and evaluate whether that person is indeed right for you. It may seem unromantic… how romantic is a 46% divorce rate, rises sharply second and third time around?

The Big Differences Between Men and Women

Most people don’t have a clue how differently men and women think, feel and communicate. Women tend to imagine that men think in a very similar way to them… a very mistaken assumption indeed. On the whole, men are more logical, whereas women are more emotional and much of their respective communication will stem from these two different viewpoints. Men focus on one thing at a time, while women can multi-task. While women need to talk to reduce stress, men will want to find a solution to your problems – this often drives women crazy. Simply telling a man that you want him to listen and not provide a solution will appeal to his logical mind and allow the woman to talk… something this simple is sure to reduce arguments and frustration.

Many women aren’t aware that men generally feel emasculated when their woman points out a solution, yet in today’s society, women have high powered jobs, are often the main bread-winner in the house and it can be difficult to know how to maintain the right balance. So you see, learning about the differences between men and women’s thinking, behaviour and methods of communication is a powerful key to learning how to create an ideal relationship…

The Languages of Love

Another wonderful recipe to creating a fantastic bond between you is to know and understand your and your partner’s ‘love languages’. People give and receive love in one or more of five main ways – words of affirmation, touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. If you know what your love languages are, then communicate them clearly to your partner so they know what makes you feel loved… then leave space for them to fill that gap without placing demands on them to do so. It’s vital too, to learn what your partner’s languages of love are, so that you in turn can also fulfil their needs and create a beautiful relationship.

Soul-Mate Relationships

I truly believe that a soul-mate relationship is something that is created between two people who share a genuine love, respect and truth with each other. Two people who choose to be committed to being together in a loving, trusting and unattached way, and who implement the key points I’ve mentioned above, will learn to love, respect and admire their differences.

You can become each other’s greatest teacher simply by allowing your partner to be exactly who they are and learning from them, rather than demanding they change to fit in with your model of the world. When we try to fix or change our partner, they will never feel good about themselves in the relationship – how could they, when you keep reminding them how they need to be more like you, because who they are simply isn’t good enough for you…

In essence, real love is created when a relationship becomes stronger, deeper and more fulfilling through time… it doesn’t wear off or become less exciting than it was in the beginning… quite the opposite.

It’s certainly food for thought…

By Diane MacDowall

http://www.dimacdowall-lifecoaching.co.uk

Some and see us and listen to us talk at the Starting Over Show, London Sunday March 7th.

http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/

Power Up Your Life workshop, Oxford Sat Jan 9th 2010

We are presenting, along with a great line-up of speakers on Saturday 9th January 2010 in Kennington, Oxford.

LIVING THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
9 January 2010 – 9.00am – 5.30pm
Kennington Village Centre, Kennington, OX1 5PG
Click here to book – lunch included in ticket price

Andy & Di are Keynote Speakers at The Divorce Show

We will be appearing at The Divorce Show as keynote speakers on September 11-13th at The NEC, Birmingham, where we are also delighted to announce a world first!! We are launching a brand new workshop: ‘The Feel The Fear Guide to Lasting Love‘ based on the excellent work of Susan Jeffers in her book of the same name, plus top advice from Susan’s other relationship books: ‘Dare To Connect’ and ‘Opening Our Hearts To Men’. As licensed and approved trainers for Susan’s most famous book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ and as experienced relationship coaches in our own right, we are delighted to be able to bring you Susan’s unique, insightful and invaluable views on relationships.

The UK has one of the world’s highest rates of divorce, with around 140,000 married couples going through it each year. For some, it can be a relief. But for very many, it is a shattering ordeal. The Divorce Show 2009 is the UK’s largest national event dedicated to delivering a wealth of information, helpful advice and practical resources for those simply questioning their marital status or wanting to repair a relationship breakdown to those initiating divorce or beginning life again after legal separation.

Do You Find Love and Relationships Painful and Difficult?

Do you find yourself compromising who you are for someone you ‘love’?

I’m going to speak DIRECTLY from my heart here….because we women really need to get out of pain and get with it!

If you answered ‘yes’, then my second question is why?  Do you think you can change him so that you no longer have to compromise being who you are?  OK, if that’s the case, then why were you attracted to him in the first place?  Surely it’s not your job to change anyone – is this not a purely selfish act that can make only you feel good?  After all, who made ‘you’ right and ‘him’ wrong?

Really think about this for a second…. Will he ever really feel good about himself within the relationship, or will he ever feel good enough for you if you spend your life trying to change him?    How would you feel being with a man who constantly made you feel not good enough by trying to change and fix you?  Does this not make you feel awful, useless and literally not good enough? Arghhhh!  Personally, I’d be asking why on earth he wasn’t with someone more like the person he was trying to change you into….

So, if you’re compromising who you are, then again, why? Let’s look at this from another perspective. If you’re keeping up an act of trying to be who you think he wants you to be,  then who is he really in the relationship with?  You’re likely to feel permanently exhausted and very resentful for not feeling that you’re allowed to be yourself?  So let’s get this right…. you’re being fake, then resenting him for it….. because you think this is what he wants….. and you’d rather be in a painful, fake relationship than no relationship at all… and all because that occasional feeling of love between the bouts of pain is so pleasurable…. arrrrggghhhhh!

How utterly exhausting for everyone…..not least of all, you…..

So, how about this instead?  You just be yourself (and love who you are!) and allow him to be himself (and love him for it!)… and accept that if neither of you can feel this way in a relationship, then it simply isn’t right for either of you anyway. So wouldn’t you be better  moving on rather than trying to change who you are for the sake of being in a relationship?  But no, we cling on for dear life hoping and praying that someday he’ll change (and he may be doing exactly the same with you!)…

It’s all so painful isn’t it?  So why do we always associate love with pain?

It’s not always easy to accept that we often love our partners far too much in our relationships.  We’ve all heard the songs like ‘I can’t live, if living is without you’.  OK, well, if you say so, but WOW, how much pain is that! I hear this pain in most love songs nowadays and quite frankly, it’s totally debilitating to listen to, never mind to live out in real life…

True love is not meant to be associated with pain – it’s easy and comfortable to be yourself in a truly loving relationship – you are never second best, nor do you have to fight to be loved, nor do you ever wonder if you’re loved, nor do you ever feel out of love with yourself, or feel like you have to explain yourself away or put your own needs last. In a loving relationship with a man, believe it or not, your job is to love YOURSELF! …. the missing bits, or pain, in our relationships tend to appear when we don’t love ourselves enough, and this attracts exactly the kind of men who will hurt us or want to fix us.   In not loving ourselves enough, we actually teach any prospective partner that we need and want to be fixed, and then we spend our lives wondering why we keep attracting exactly the same kind of partners over and over again….. and the answer is, because they are generally the kind of man who will be attracted to us in the first place!  Bah humbug!

I know so many people who want to attract a wonderful, loving partner into their lives, and yet they don’t love themselves.  But here’s the thing – a person who loves themselves at a 10 will gain absolutely no satisfaction from being with someone who needs fixing – they will want to be with a partner who also loves themselves at a 10.

And ladies, I’m not talking about becoming a completely selfish monster here – all relationships are about understanding, compromise and giving from both sides…. but think about this for a second…. why do most women I know think that loving themselves last and putting their own needs behind everyone else’s is a good and selfless thing to do? Speaking my complete truth here with regard to ALL relationships, not just intimate ones, personally I find it exhausting to be around people who care only about my needs rather than their own and who slave after me as if I can’t take care of myself. It’s really exhausting – there are no other words for it. On the other hand, I adore being in the company of people who love and respect themselves – I know they will always speak their truth with me, always state their preferences, there is no false behaviour – it is a pleasure to be with them.  I know they are happy to begin with, that it’s not my responsibility to make them that way, and I know exactly where I stand with them. Always!

So, let’s have a look at your beliefs…. Do you expect to get hurt in your next relationship?  Do men always let you down? They really are all useless, aren’t they!!  In our line of work as relationship coaches, we hear this every day.  Unfortunately, if this is your belief, then this is exactly what your experience of men and relationships will be – I’d even go so far as to say that it will be impossible for you to accept a man who will not hurt you, because YOU will reject him, you really will.  Acccepting that kind of love will not fit in with your beliefs about you – this is a fact!  To you, he will appear boring because he is not hurting you – there is no pain and no challenge. Sound at all familiar?

A man will only treat you according to how you teach him he can…. if you do not love yourself 10 out of 10 (and many women I know only love themselves at around a 4 or less)…  then they need the man to ‘fill them up to a 10′ in order to experience love….  this is why the ‘infatuation’ stages of first falling in love are so mind-blowing, because we feel like a 10 for the first time in a long while, and it feels wonderful!!  It becomes an addiction…

This creates so many problems. Firstly, what a burden to place on him!  He becomes responsible for YOUR happiness!  When did he ever agree to taking that challenge on board?  If you have problems loving yourself, then how on earth do you expect him to love you more than you can?  You don’t come with a set of rules and instructions. So if you don’t love yourself, know your own needs and are able to fill them, then how can you expect him to, AND make him totally responsible for it? This is tantamount to suffocation… it really is….

In doing this, you’re also always living the entire experience of your relationship in fear – because what happens if and when he doesn’t fill you up to 10?  Those arguments really rip you apart, don’t they….?

Not only that, but to him, you’ll always come across as needy, because you’re always relying on him to make you feel good, worthy and loved rather than taking responsibility for that yourself… so your fear will come through very subconsciously in many of your actions, and certainly in terms of trusting him and in believing he loves you. Just think about it for a second – if you’re expecting to get hurt because all men are awful, then you will seek evidence for it everywhere, because if you don’t love you, then you’ll automatically have difficulty believing that he can – you simply can’t understand what on earth he’s actually in love with!  So, will you ever REALLY trust him?

And of course, if the relationship ends…. bang!  We hit 4 again, or even way below, and it feels utterly terrible – like the world has ended, like we can’t go on, even worse than we felt before he came into our life! And then of course we listen to those love songs that reaffirm how utterly worthless we are without him, causing so much pain……all because we placed so much meaning and expectation on that ‘feeling’ of being filled to a 10…. AND because we took no responsibility for creating it within ourselves…

Is the vicious circle becoming clear?….

It gets worse!

We then really, really begin to believe that we’re not worthy of love because everyone we meet treats us this way, and then…. (yes, there’s even more!)…. we take all this baggage into our next relationship with us (it accumulates!) along with an even stronger belief that all men are bad and will hurt us….

Now of course you know that you literally create your life through your beliefs and expectations. No?  Gosh!  I thought everyone knew that!

Believe it or not, a person who truly loves themselves at a full blown 10 is unlikely to feel the initial stages of ‘infatuation’ that most people go through when entering into a new relationship (well, certainly not to the same degree)….. simply because they feel this way about themselves most of the time (nice thought huh?) So it’s nothing new for them to experience love, they are not surprised that someone else can love them, they do not place responsibility for their happiness in the other person’s hands, because quite simply, they create this for themselves….

So, instead of going into a new relationship filled with immense grattitude that at least someone likes them…. they concentrate on how the relationship works for them, how real they can be within it, and how good it feels… because they know that being happy and single is better than being in a relationship that’s wrong.  In this way, the craving for the feeling of love does not form into an addiction.

This kind of relationship is easy…. it feels easy, it happens naturally, it’s not challenging…. it just slips into place….. perfectly!  No drama, no hurt, no pain, no neediness…. No changing each other, just a beautiful, pure acceptance and love of who the other person is… (and yes, he may well come across as boring compared to what you’re used to… what an incredible catch 22!)….

When a woman loves a man too much by either trying to fix him, change him, allowing him to fix or change her, by putting her own needs and happiness last and certainly after his…. then she is teaching him not to value her…. full stop!…. it isn’t even all his fault that he treats her that way, because this is what she teaches him is acceptable because it’s how she treats herself…..(it’s so important to really understand that no one can love you more than you love yourself)….

Only YOU can change this, but you have to fall in love with yourself first.

• You have to love, know and value who you are to take that ‘whole’ person into the relationship – YOU!

• You have to know your own needs, then communicate them to him so that he can share in fulfilling them. (PS. he’s not psychic!)  A man will love fulfilling his woman’s needs, because it will make him feel fantastic as a guy.  After all, men love being with a happy woman, and if they know they make you happy, then they will be drawn to you like a bee to honey and will want to make you even happier – quite the opposite of how he’s likely to feel if you’re telling him how broken he is by trying to fix him huh!

• You have to completely believe that you are worth loving, but YOU HAVE TO KNOW AND BELIEVE THAT BEFORE YOU CAN EXPECT ANY MAN TO…..

If your man doesn’t feel good about himself, what do you generally do?  Do you join him there, worry about him and then spend the day walking on egg-shells?  Do you spend your time giving him false compliments in an attempt to buff him up so that he feels better about himself?  Ask yourself – is this not actually manipulation, similar to emotional blackmail?  Anything that isn’t ‘real’ which is said or done in order to make your partner behave differently is actually manipulation.  In doing this, you’re effectively telling him that you feel he’s broken, or not capable of taking responsibility for his own emotions and well-being….

I always hated it when Andy used to walk on egg-shells around me if I was having a bad day… and I hated it even more if he used to join me in my ‘bad’ mood, taking it personally if I felt this way – this made it so much harder for me to come out of, plus it also used to make me feel guilty and responsible for putting him there too!…..arrrghhhh!  Sometimes all I wanted was to have an ‘off’ day without affecting anyone else!

Then I realised that if he chose to join me in my mood, it was actually nothing to do with me, it was in fact his choice…  so, I’d concentrate only on my own happiness and well-being, and like a weight was lifted, magic and miracles began to happen. Now if I go into a bad mood, he simply lets me get on with it and it lasts minutes – no longer does he join me there or feel responsible for me!  YAY.. FREEDOM!!!….I now find myself in great energy a vast majority of the time – we both do – because we allow each other to ‘be’…and it feels GREAT!  It took some practise though – when you’re living and working together 24/7 then you absolutely have to understand how successful relationships work and take responsibility for your own emotions, or you’d end up wanting to throttle each other!

I realised that if I was happy and took care of loving myself, and Andy did exactly the same, then it gave us both permission to be ourselves.  If he wakes up in a bad mood nowadays, I just let him know that I love him, that I’m here if he needs me (he really loves that, because it gives him so much space)… and I just ‘let him be’ whilst I get on with creating my own happiness…. Phew!  What an incredible relief for both of us….

So, after really ‘getting it’ and truly living it…. there is no pretending, no falseness, no attachment, no neediness, no resentment, no drama, no challenge, no mistrust, no fixing, no acting….. just two people being exactly who they are, and loving ‘being it’ together… all the while, being each other’s greatest teachers in self and life…. and bringing out the very best in the other…. Now THAT’S what a relationship is meant to be like!……

And all because two people love themselves…. as well as each other….

Andy and Di through their journey together

The Dangers of Office Romances and One-Night Flings

Loving Intimate Connections occur on multiple levels:

1. Physical – visual appeal, tactile, sexual, lust
2. Intellectual – admiration for an/or mutual appreciation of wit, intelligence, knowledge
3. Sense of Humour
4. Emotional – (love or fear based) from the heart, romantic, from a place of self-love
. . . . . vs.
. . . . . co-dependent, fear of being alone, validation
5. Financial – a desire or requirement for equity, contribution or provision/being needed/relied upon.
Can result in a ‘convenient’ relationship, more friends than passionate lovers
6. Passionate – shared hobbies/interests/culture, giving and sharing love and/or intimacy
7. Cultural – shared rules, expectations and beliefs around life and relationships
8. Trust and Respect – can be a healthy mutual respect, or can be an unhealthy ‘on a pedestal’ kind
of respect that is expected and not necessarily deserved or a trust that has been earned.
9. Purpose – shared passion for a vocation/contribution/charitable work. In some couples, the sense
of purpose can become focused on bringing up the children, or a sense of ‘us against the world’.
10. Spiritual – peaceful connection, energetic connection, similar level of emotional maturity and
personal growth

Other less helpful factors that tend to result in unhealthy/temporary attraction and connection include:
A. Proximity
B. Flirtation
C. ‘Forbidden fruit’, risk of being caught spices things up
D. An attraction to power and status

A great lasting relationship will be based on several of the first 10 levels of connection and more than just the physical, which often forms the initial lustful attraction. Too many people, especially women, allow themselves to fall in love (or pretend to) based on an initial attraction that won’t stand the test of time and before establishing the scope for much deeper, lasting attraction on many levels.

The positive and healthy aspects of these 10 levels are often confused with either the less positive aspects, resulting in neediness, co-dependence and unhealthy attachments.

At the office, the other factors A, B, C and D become powerful attractors in the absence of more healthy connections. Seemingly uncomplicated office flirtations and the proximity, are oiled at the office party by alcohol and exuberance.

Wishing you multiple levels of lasting love and connection. Andy

‘Tis the season to be Jolly!

Too much ‘Jollyment’ Can Lead To: Alcohol abuse or Office Party Flings

Figures show that as many as seven out of ten peak-time admissions to A&E are alcohol related, and with the festive season around the corner, the number of people adversely affected by alcohol is likely to rise. The Drinkaware Trust has launched a new campaign designed to reduce alcohol harm this Christmas. Home Office figures suggest that, if implemented across the UK, simple alcohol advice could lead 250,000 men and 67,000 women to reduce their drinking to low-risk levels each year.

The TUC (research from 2007) reckon that 25% of long term relationships are office linked; online recruitment site Monster.com found 6 out of 10 people have ‘enjoyed a workplace dalliance’.
High profile cases include:

John Major & Edwina Currie

Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky

Sven Goran Eriksson and Faria Alam (a personal assistant at the FA)

Princess Diana, Prince Charles

Ulrika Jonsson, Sienna Miller and Jude Law

And recently celebrity chef – Gordon Ramsay

A one-night stand leaves men feeling content but women feeling ‘used’, according to findings from Durham University. Research has suggested that women experience negative feelings after one-night stands, and ‘are not well adapted to fleeting sexual encounters’.

Professor Anne Campbell from Durham University found that after a one-night stand, 80% of men had overall positive feelings about the experience, compared to 54% of women. Men were more likely than women to want their friends to hear about it, and reported greater sexual satisfaction and contentment following the event, as well as a greater sense of well-being and confidence about themselves.
By contrast, women reported regret at having been ‘used’, were more likely to feel that they had let themselves down, and were worried about the potential damage to their reputation if other people found out. Women also found the experience less sexually satisfying.

So there you have it! I for one intend to have fun this Christmas, eat drink and be merry. I also look forward to waking up with the woman I love and not with a stranger or a hangover

Have a great Christmas, love from Andy & Di x

Andy & Di Talk Dating on BBC Radio

If you would like to listen to our feature on Dating and Internet Dating from this morning’s Annie Othen Morning Show on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire, you can download it here. It is a 4.4MB MP3 file, 12.5 minutes in duration. We share our pearls of wisdom with Annie, who asked some great questions…

Andy & Di live on BBC Radio Coventry & Warwickshire

STOP PRESS!

We will be appearing on a feature about dating and internet dating in mid-life which will be live on air on Monday 13th October at 10:20 on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire 94.8, 104 & 103.7 FM Digital Radio, on Annie Othen’s morning show.

Cryptic men and curious women

A great blog about communication, interpretation and curiosity (you know what it did to the cat!) , by Robyn Godfrey, reproduced here with her permission:

“ambiguous, equivocal, cryptic, enigmatic describe conditions or statements not clear in meaning. ambiguous can refer to a statement, act, or attitude that is capable of two or more often contradictory interpretations, usually accidentally or unintentionally so: an ambiguous passage in the preamble. equivocal, usually applied to spoken as well as written language, also means susceptible of two or more interpretations, and it usually suggests a deliberate intent to mislead by avoiding clarity: saving face with an equivocal response to an embarrassing question. cryptic usually refers to intentional obscurity, especially in language, and often implies a private or hidden meaning but stresses resultant mystification or puzzlement: a cryptic remark that left us struggling to interpret his intention. enigmatic focuses on perplexity resulting from a mysterious or imponderable event or utterance, often one of great importance or deep significance: prophetic texts so enigmatic that their meaning has been disputed for centuries.” (grabbed from dictionary reference)

Its hard to even find a single article about this, maybe I have the wrong phase, but I’m not sure what else to call this.

There’s nothing more frustrating than a cryptic man.. or woman for that matter. but I have noticed its men mostly.. examples are probably most spiritual gurus/guides out there..if hadn’t of read Eckhart Tolles books, i would still to this day be wondering what the hell those people were on about, (Tolle being very uncryptic.. talks in simple terms. explains any “sayings” he uses etc) and I guess Brock Palmer (SL relationship Wisdom guide) would be another one who speaks in a clear language.

I am really thinking now these guru type people come up with this junk to draw in the followers, make themselves seem as almost supernatural thinkers… it seems almost like a planned tactic.. maybe it is.. a very old one..

I know those phrases and sayings do have value and meaning, I really love quotes, I do and I love quotes that get you thinking for yourself.. but! there’s a limit for me.. constant riddles and cryptic phrases with no answers in the end causes confusion and frustration.. why should I always have to be asking what they mean.. obviously they already know, so why not just say it! I really don’t need to be living my life in constant frustration and annoyance trying to get answers.. I will eventually just give up and ignore them.

In my personal life, I have to admit I find cryptic men a lure, my “need to know” attitude feeds my curiosity immensely to the point of utter frustration…half truths, subtle hidden meanings, cryptic questions and answers just pull me in to find out more, I can waste a hell of a lot of time just thinking on what they really mean, trying to find the “truth”… but with little possibility of actual answers, …as with teachers and guides.. I will eventually give up trying when the frustration is stronger than my curiosity.

Maybe its that most men find talking about certain things difficult, so they create riddles for you to figure it out.. but get over it!.. what year is this anyway? we should be open and clear with each other, we have a common language, lets try using it! …

Cryptic guys?. if you have something to say.. just say it. you wont be thought of as any less of a man.. in fact the opposite!

Behind every great man/woman…. the #1 resource

‘Harry’s number 1 resource’ – a great article form Harry Singha

The cats out of the bag! Well it’s not that much of a secret, we all know that behind every great man or woman is another great man or woman!

Well I am blessed to have so many, young and older. Many have heard me talk of the role my brother has played in creating what is the Youth Coaching Academy and of course my amazing children [and mentors] Harrison and Rosie!

There is one person who I can always call on to believe in me and support me no matter how crazy my next idea is and at the same time keep me totally grounded in regards to keeping the most important thing, the most important thing!

That is my amazing wife Katie. As we celebrated her birthday today [well yesterday now] it reminded me of the day I remembered how important she is to me. Which has prompted me to share this message with all of you who have children, are planning on having children and to those who want to have a fulfilling relationship with your partner. [that should cover most of you!]

I’ll do my best to keep it short

When my son Harrison was born, I was like most fathers, totally blown away with gratitude and love for this ‘mini me’. I would publicly tell everyone that he was the most important thing in my life!
I was in Hawaii and I was missing Kate and Harrison really bad as it was my first trip away after Harrison was born.  Those of you that are familiar with the power of questions [if not become so!] will know i ask myself a set of questions when i awake and when i go to sleep. One of them used to be, “who do I love most in life and what is it about them that I love and how does that make me feel?” Now most days this would take me to a state of love, on that day I was in so much conflict [pain] because all it led me to was who do I love the most Kate or Harrison? and do i have to love one more than the other? aaarrrhh!

I would publicly refer to Harrison as my greatest gift!
It then dawned on me that Harrison [and subsequently Rosie] are the greatest gifts that I have been blessed with AND at the same time Kate is the amazing spirit that blessed me with such gifts!

In short I realised that in relationships many of us tend to make our children the sole focus and very easily make them the most important people in our lives and then one day they grow up and find partners of their own and we look around and remember oh yeah there is our partner and there seems to be a massive void!

I decided in that moment to call Kate and let her know she is the most important thing in my life and to this day my children know the answer to “who does daddy love the most?” Mummy. I used to fear this would represent that I loved them less [complete BS]

Because here is the real message- the greatest gift i can give to my children is to show them what it means to really love a partner so when they are blessed with a partner they too will know the way!

My love and wishes for the most fulfilling relationships for you all and most of all to let you know I love Katie Singha X Harry Singha

X Harry Singha ——————– To reply to this message, follow the link below: http://www.facebook.com/n/?inbox/readmessage.php&t=1043877699024

What are you teaching your children about love?

Family Dynamics shows us how the experience of Love that a child has, is the sum of the amount of love experienced between the child and its parents and the love between the parents. So, if Mum and Dad are only experiencing Love at a 2 out of ten (2/10), Dad and little Johnny are a 5/10 and Mum and Johnny connect at 8/10 then Johnny’s overall experience of Love is 15/30 – far less than you would hope for him and not a great basis from which he can experience relationships and bring his own children into the world.

Dr Patrick Dixon, author of ‘The Rising Price of Love’ states: “We now know that children from divorced homes are four times more likely to have problems with behaviour, nightmares, bedwetting, and stomach pains. They do worse in the classroom and are more prone to depression…. They are more likely to leave home early or run away, to leave school with no qualifications. They are more likely to get into early relationships, to get pregnant as teenagers, to marry early and then get divorced…. Where children have experienced several break-ups they are ten times as likely to have severe behavioural problems.”

The children of divorced parents are almost twice as likely to repeat the past that they grew up with and become divorced themselves. Some parents say “I wish I knew then what I know now” when looking back and regretting the impact of divorce upon their children.

Can I Overcome Infidelity… an affair?

The bottom line on affairs and infidelity is that they are down to one or most likely both partners not getting their needs met. At a more subtle level there is likely to be a misalignment in each other’s values as well.

As a result, one or most likely both partners are getting their needs met in an unhealthy way – which is what infidelity is. The act of infidelity gets branded as sacrilege against the marriage vows and trust in the relationships – which it is. Yet, in the cold light of day, infidelity is simply one manifestation of getting unfulfilled needs met.

Whilst we do not condone or trivialise infidelity, in many ways, it is a similar response as Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling (the four common causes of disconnection in couples), or some of the addictive behaviours that we adopt when we are not happy and seeking external stimulation, such as over eating, drinking, gambling, pornography etc.

When you work on yourself, so that you can meet your needs in healthy way, you climb out of an unhealthy low energy and emotional state, instead rising up into a more empowering state. [See these two links on managing your energy and getting better results). From this new, more healthy perspective, it is possible to show love, understanding and compassion, for yourself and your partner, seeing through their behaviour. From here, anything is possible – including overcoming infidelity.

How to avoid Divorce

Aside from advising people not to get married (as clearly the majority of people who do so are clueless as to what they are getting into, as Diane and I were in our failed marriages) what can be done to drastically reduce the high rates of divorce?

As far back as 1983, behavioural scientists found that they were able to predict, with over 90 percent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship (e.g. a separation or divorce) over a three-year period just by examining their physiology and behaviour during a conflict discussion, and later just from an interview about how the couple viewed their past.

So if behaviour, your view of your past and physiology are so closely linked to disconnection and divorce – it would seem reasonable to believe they also hold the keys to success in marriage. We certainly think so….

The scientists found almost identical patterns of behaviour existed for couples four years later (those that had not already split up) – in 69% of cases the same topics were causing conflict. So no learning or helpful modifications in behaviour and communication had occurred. These same scientists went on to develop an understanding of why relationships fail and how to avoid the common causes of relationship failure i.e: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Communication is only 7% about the words that you use; 38% is your tonality and a massive 55% is your physiology (body language). Learning how to master your tonality and body-language will help you to enjoy massively different results, not only in your intimacy, but in every day communication.

Taking full responsibility for your outcomes and learning is essential if the mistakes of the past are to be avoided. Consider this: if you feel fair or even noble by accepting 50% of the blame for the failure of your relationship – are you also denying 50% of the responsibility too? Successfully moving on and avoiding making the same mistakes can only be guaranteed if you both take 100% responsibility for yourselves and do not blame or try to change your partner.

An extended study of couples over 20 years found a different group of people, who did not display heated conflicts, but who surprisingly started divorcing after 16-22 years. These people were typically calm, in control of their lives and ‘pillars of the community’. Typically, these divorces caused much surprise amongst the couple’s peer group. On revisiting the initial videotapes interviews, the scientists discovered a lack of obvious love and connection – a kind of neutral relationship, lacking in affection and humour. This demonstrates both a lack of emotional maturity and lack of sexual connection, spark or ‘polarity’ (as we call it). There is probably also a high degree of complacency, backed up by the beliefs that htis is all there is and you have no control over the situation. Separate research has identified the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Getting a grip on this really, honesty, humility, openness and a conviction to positive change is a must.

The final important piece of the scientist’s research was that as well as (i) handling conflict, (ii) friendship, humour and intimacy, (iii) there was a third important factor in relationship success: a joint sense of purpose and meaning.

Here at Cosmic Attraction we have many years of expertise in helping our clients to take responsibility for their energy, their emotional state, their beliefs and to identify their true purpose in life. For couples, we facilitate the creation of shared vision, under-pinned by a clear understanding of values, through our process to elicit your values and all the underlying motivating factors.

Find out more here: http://www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk