Andy & Di are Keynote Speakers at The Divorce Show

We will be appearing at The Divorce Show as keynote speakers on September 11-13th at The NEC, Birmingham, where we are also delighted to announce a world first!! We are launching a brand new workshop: ‘The Feel The Fear Guide to Lasting Love‘ based on the excellent work of Susan Jeffers in her book of the same name, plus top advice from Susan’s other relationship books: ‘Dare To Connect’ and ‘Opening Our Hearts To Men’. As licensed and approved trainers for Susan’s most famous book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ and as experienced relationship coaches in our own right, we are delighted to be able to bring you Susan’s unique, insightful and invaluable views on relationships.

The UK has one of the world’s highest rates of divorce, with around 140,000 married couples going through it each year. For some, it can be a relief. But for very many, it is a shattering ordeal. The Divorce Show 2009 is the UK’s largest national event dedicated to delivering a wealth of information, helpful advice and practical resources for those simply questioning their marital status or wanting to repair a relationship breakdown to those initiating divorce or beginning life again after legal separation.

Do You Find Love and Relationships Painful and Difficult?

Do you find yourself compromising who you are for someone you ‘love’?

I’m going to speak DIRECTLY from my heart here….because we women really need to get out of pain and get with it!

If you answered ‘yes’, then my second question is why?  Do you think you can change him so that you no longer have to compromise being who you are?  OK, if that’s the case, then why were you attracted to him in the first place?  Surely it’s not your job to change anyone – is this not a purely selfish act that can make only you feel good?  After all, who made ‘you’ right and ‘him’ wrong?

Really think about this for a second…. Will he ever really feel good about himself within the relationship, or will he ever feel good enough for you if you spend your life trying to change him?    How would you feel being with a man who constantly made you feel not good enough by trying to change and fix you?  Does this not make you feel awful, useless and literally not good enough? Arghhhh!  Personally, I’d be asking why on earth he wasn’t with someone more like the person he was trying to change you into….

So, if you’re compromising who you are, then again, why? Let’s look at this from another perspective. If you’re keeping up an act of trying to be who you think he wants you to be,  then who is he really in the relationship with?  You’re likely to feel permanently exhausted and very resentful for not feeling that you’re allowed to be yourself?  So let’s get this right…. you’re being fake, then resenting him for it….. because you think this is what he wants….. and you’d rather be in a painful, fake relationship than no relationship at all… and all because that occasional feeling of love between the bouts of pain is so pleasurable…. arrrrggghhhhh!

How utterly exhausting for everyone…..not least of all, you…..

So, how about this instead?  You just be yourself (and love who you are!) and allow him to be himself (and love him for it!)… and accept that if neither of you can feel this way in a relationship, then it simply isn’t right for either of you anyway. So wouldn’t you be better  moving on rather than trying to change who you are for the sake of being in a relationship?  But no, we cling on for dear life hoping and praying that someday he’ll change (and he may be doing exactly the same with you!)…

It’s all so painful isn’t it?  So why do we always associate love with pain?

It’s not always easy to accept that we often love our partners far too much in our relationships.  We’ve all heard the songs like ‘I can’t live, if living is without you’.  OK, well, if you say so, but WOW, how much pain is that! I hear this pain in most love songs nowadays and quite frankly, it’s totally debilitating to listen to, never mind to live out in real life…

True love is not meant to be associated with pain – it’s easy and comfortable to be yourself in a truly loving relationship – you are never second best, nor do you have to fight to be loved, nor do you ever wonder if you’re loved, nor do you ever feel out of love with yourself, or feel like you have to explain yourself away or put your own needs last. In a loving relationship with a man, believe it or not, your job is to love YOURSELF! …. the missing bits, or pain, in our relationships tend to appear when we don’t love ourselves enough, and this attracts exactly the kind of men who will hurt us or want to fix us.   In not loving ourselves enough, we actually teach any prospective partner that we need and want to be fixed, and then we spend our lives wondering why we keep attracting exactly the same kind of partners over and over again….. and the answer is, because they are generally the kind of man who will be attracted to us in the first place!  Bah humbug!

I know so many people who want to attract a wonderful, loving partner into their lives, and yet they don’t love themselves.  But here’s the thing – a person who loves themselves at a 10 will gain absolutely no satisfaction from being with someone who needs fixing – they will want to be with a partner who also loves themselves at a 10.

And ladies, I’m not talking about becoming a completely selfish monster here – all relationships are about understanding, compromise and giving from both sides…. but think about this for a second…. why do most women I know think that loving themselves last and putting their own needs behind everyone else’s is a good and selfless thing to do? Speaking my complete truth here with regard to ALL relationships, not just intimate ones, personally I find it exhausting to be around people who care only about my needs rather than their own and who slave after me as if I can’t take care of myself. It’s really exhausting – there are no other words for it. On the other hand, I adore being in the company of people who love and respect themselves – I know they will always speak their truth with me, always state their preferences, there is no false behaviour – it is a pleasure to be with them.  I know they are happy to begin with, that it’s not my responsibility to make them that way, and I know exactly where I stand with them. Always!

So, let’s have a look at your beliefs…. Do you expect to get hurt in your next relationship?  Do men always let you down? They really are all useless, aren’t they!!  In our line of work as relationship coaches, we hear this every day.  Unfortunately, if this is your belief, then this is exactly what your experience of men and relationships will be – I’d even go so far as to say that it will be impossible for you to accept a man who will not hurt you, because YOU will reject him, you really will.  Acccepting that kind of love will not fit in with your beliefs about you – this is a fact!  To you, he will appear boring because he is not hurting you – there is no pain and no challenge. Sound at all familiar?

A man will only treat you according to how you teach him he can…. if you do not love yourself 10 out of 10 (and many women I know only love themselves at around a 4 or less)…  then they need the man to ‘fill them up to a 10′ in order to experience love….  this is why the ‘infatuation’ stages of first falling in love are so mind-blowing, because we feel like a 10 for the first time in a long while, and it feels wonderful!!  It becomes an addiction…

This creates so many problems. Firstly, what a burden to place on him!  He becomes responsible for YOUR happiness!  When did he ever agree to taking that challenge on board?  If you have problems loving yourself, then how on earth do you expect him to love you more than you can?  You don’t come with a set of rules and instructions. So if you don’t love yourself, know your own needs and are able to fill them, then how can you expect him to, AND make him totally responsible for it? This is tantamount to suffocation… it really is….

In doing this, you’re also always living the entire experience of your relationship in fear – because what happens if and when he doesn’t fill you up to 10?  Those arguments really rip you apart, don’t they….?

Not only that, but to him, you’ll always come across as needy, because you’re always relying on him to make you feel good, worthy and loved rather than taking responsibility for that yourself… so your fear will come through very subconsciously in many of your actions, and certainly in terms of trusting him and in believing he loves you. Just think about it for a second – if you’re expecting to get hurt because all men are awful, then you will seek evidence for it everywhere, because if you don’t love you, then you’ll automatically have difficulty believing that he can – you simply can’t understand what on earth he’s actually in love with!  So, will you ever REALLY trust him?

And of course, if the relationship ends…. bang!  We hit 4 again, or even way below, and it feels utterly terrible – like the world has ended, like we can’t go on, even worse than we felt before he came into our life! And then of course we listen to those love songs that reaffirm how utterly worthless we are without him, causing so much pain……all because we placed so much meaning and expectation on that ‘feeling’ of being filled to a 10…. AND because we took no responsibility for creating it within ourselves…

Is the vicious circle becoming clear?….

It gets worse!

We then really, really begin to believe that we’re not worthy of love because everyone we meet treats us this way, and then…. (yes, there’s even more!)…. we take all this baggage into our next relationship with us (it accumulates!) along with an even stronger belief that all men are bad and will hurt us….

Now of course you know that you literally create your life through your beliefs and expectations. No?  Gosh!  I thought everyone knew that!

Believe it or not, a person who truly loves themselves at a full blown 10 is unlikely to feel the initial stages of ‘infatuation’ that most people go through when entering into a new relationship (well, certainly not to the same degree)….. simply because they feel this way about themselves most of the time (nice thought huh?) So it’s nothing new for them to experience love, they are not surprised that someone else can love them, they do not place responsibility for their happiness in the other person’s hands, because quite simply, they create this for themselves….

So, instead of going into a new relationship filled with immense grattitude that at least someone likes them…. they concentrate on how the relationship works for them, how real they can be within it, and how good it feels… because they know that being happy and single is better than being in a relationship that’s wrong.  In this way, the craving for the feeling of love does not form into an addiction.

This kind of relationship is easy…. it feels easy, it happens naturally, it’s not challenging…. it just slips into place….. perfectly!  No drama, no hurt, no pain, no neediness…. No changing each other, just a beautiful, pure acceptance and love of who the other person is… (and yes, he may well come across as boring compared to what you’re used to… what an incredible catch 22!)….

When a woman loves a man too much by either trying to fix him, change him, allowing him to fix or change her, by putting her own needs and happiness last and certainly after his…. then she is teaching him not to value her…. full stop!…. it isn’t even all his fault that he treats her that way, because this is what she teaches him is acceptable because it’s how she treats herself…..(it’s so important to really understand that no one can love you more than you love yourself)….

Only YOU can change this, but you have to fall in love with yourself first.

• You have to love, know and value who you are to take that ‘whole’ person into the relationship – YOU!

• You have to know your own needs, then communicate them to him so that he can share in fulfilling them. (PS. he’s not psychic!)  A man will love fulfilling his woman’s needs, because it will make him feel fantastic as a guy.  After all, men love being with a happy woman, and if they know they make you happy, then they will be drawn to you like a bee to honey and will want to make you even happier – quite the opposite of how he’s likely to feel if you’re telling him how broken he is by trying to fix him huh!

• You have to completely believe that you are worth loving, but YOU HAVE TO KNOW AND BELIEVE THAT BEFORE YOU CAN EXPECT ANY MAN TO…..

If your man doesn’t feel good about himself, what do you generally do?  Do you join him there, worry about him and then spend the day walking on egg-shells?  Do you spend your time giving him false compliments in an attempt to buff him up so that he feels better about himself?  Ask yourself – is this not actually manipulation, similar to emotional blackmail?  Anything that isn’t ‘real’ which is said or done in order to make your partner behave differently is actually manipulation.  In doing this, you’re effectively telling him that you feel he’s broken, or not capable of taking responsibility for his own emotions and well-being….

I always hated it when Andy used to walk on egg-shells around me if I was having a bad day… and I hated it even more if he used to join me in my ‘bad’ mood, taking it personally if I felt this way – this made it so much harder for me to come out of, plus it also used to make me feel guilty and responsible for putting him there too!…..arrrghhhh!  Sometimes all I wanted was to have an ‘off’ day without affecting anyone else!

Then I realised that if he chose to join me in my mood, it was actually nothing to do with me, it was in fact his choice…  so, I’d concentrate only on my own happiness and well-being, and like a weight was lifted, magic and miracles began to happen. Now if I go into a bad mood, he simply lets me get on with it and it lasts minutes – no longer does he join me there or feel responsible for me!  YAY.. FREEDOM!!!….I now find myself in great energy a vast majority of the time – we both do – because we allow each other to ‘be’…and it feels GREAT!  It took some practise though – when you’re living and working together 24/7 then you absolutely have to understand how successful relationships work and take responsibility for your own emotions, or you’d end up wanting to throttle each other!

I realised that if I was happy and took care of loving myself, and Andy did exactly the same, then it gave us both permission to be ourselves.  If he wakes up in a bad mood nowadays, I just let him know that I love him, that I’m here if he needs me (he really loves that, because it gives him so much space)… and I just ‘let him be’ whilst I get on with creating my own happiness…. Phew!  What an incredible relief for both of us….

So, after really ‘getting it’ and truly living it…. there is no pretending, no falseness, no attachment, no neediness, no resentment, no drama, no challenge, no mistrust, no fixing, no acting….. just two people being exactly who they are, and loving ‘being it’ together… all the while, being each other’s greatest teachers in self and life…. and bringing out the very best in the other…. Now THAT’S what a relationship is meant to be like!……

And all because two people love themselves…. as well as each other….

Andy and Di through their journey together

The Dangers of Office Romances and One-Night Flings

Loving Intimate Connections occur on multiple levels:

1. Physical – visual appeal, tactile, sexual, lust
2. Intellectual – admiration for an/or mutual appreciation of wit, intelligence, knowledge
3. Sense of Humour
4. Emotional – (love or fear based) from the heart, romantic, from a place of self-love
. . . . . vs.
. . . . . co-dependent, fear of being alone, validation
5. Financial – a desire or requirement for equity, contribution or provision/being needed/relied upon.
Can result in a ‘convenient’ relationship, more friends than passionate lovers
6. Passionate – shared hobbies/interests/culture, giving and sharing love and/or intimacy
7. Cultural – shared rules, expectations and beliefs around life and relationships
8. Trust and Respect – can be a healthy mutual respect, or can be an unhealthy ‘on a pedestal’ kind
of respect that is expected and not necessarily deserved or a trust that has been earned.
9. Purpose – shared passion for a vocation/contribution/charitable work. In some couples, the sense
of purpose can become focused on bringing up the children, or a sense of ‘us against the world’.
10. Spiritual – peaceful connection, energetic connection, similar level of emotional maturity and
personal growth

Other less helpful factors that tend to result in unhealthy/temporary attraction and connection include:
A. Proximity
B. Flirtation
C. ‘Forbidden fruit’, risk of being caught spices things up
D. An attraction to power and status

A great lasting relationship will be based on several of the first 10 levels of connection and more than just the physical, which often forms the initial lustful attraction. Too many people, especially women, allow themselves to fall in love (or pretend to) based on an initial attraction that won’t stand the test of time and before establishing the scope for much deeper, lasting attraction on many levels.

The positive and healthy aspects of these 10 levels are often confused with either the less positive aspects, resulting in neediness, co-dependence and unhealthy attachments.

At the office, the other factors A, B, C and D become powerful attractors in the absence of more healthy connections. Seemingly uncomplicated office flirtations and the proximity, are oiled at the office party by alcohol and exuberance.

Wishing you multiple levels of lasting love and connection. Andy

‘Tis the season to be Jolly!

Too much ‘Jollyment’ Can Lead To: Alcohol abuse or Office Party Flings

Figures show that as many as seven out of ten peak-time admissions to A&E are alcohol related, and with the festive season around the corner, the number of people adversely affected by alcohol is likely to rise. The Drinkaware Trust has launched a new campaign designed to reduce alcohol harm this Christmas. Home Office figures suggest that, if implemented across the UK, simple alcohol advice could lead 250,000 men and 67,000 women to reduce their drinking to low-risk levels each year.

The TUC (research from 2007) reckon that 25% of long term relationships are office linked; online recruitment site Monster.com found 6 out of 10 people have ‘enjoyed a workplace dalliance’.
High profile cases include:

John Major & Edwina Currie

Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky

Sven Goran Eriksson and Faria Alam (a personal assistant at the FA)

Princess Diana, Prince Charles

Ulrika Jonsson, Sienna Miller and Jude Law

And recently celebrity chef – Gordon Ramsay

A one-night stand leaves men feeling content but women feeling ‘used’, according to findings from Durham University. Research has suggested that women experience negative feelings after one-night stands, and ‘are not well adapted to fleeting sexual encounters’.

Professor Anne Campbell from Durham University found that after a one-night stand, 80% of men had overall positive feelings about the experience, compared to 54% of women. Men were more likely than women to want their friends to hear about it, and reported greater sexual satisfaction and contentment following the event, as well as a greater sense of well-being and confidence about themselves.
By contrast, women reported regret at having been ‘used’, were more likely to feel that they had let themselves down, and were worried about the potential damage to their reputation if other people found out. Women also found the experience less sexually satisfying.

So there you have it! I for one intend to have fun this Christmas, eat drink and be merry. I also look forward to waking up with the woman I love and not with a stranger or a hangover

Have a great Christmas, love from Andy & Di x

Andy & Di Talk Dating on BBC Radio

If you would like to listen to our feature on Dating and Internet Dating from this morning’s Annie Othen Morning Show on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire, you can download it here. It is a 4.4MB MP3 file, 12.5 minutes in duration. We share our pearls of wisdom with Annie, who asked some great questions…

Andy & Di live on BBC Radio Coventry & Warwickshire

STOP PRESS!

We will be appearing on a feature about dating and internet dating in mid-life which will be live on air on Monday 13th October at 10:20 on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire 94.8, 104 & 103.7 FM Digital Radio, on Annie Othen’s morning show.

Cryptic men and curious women

A great blog about communication, interpretation and curiosity (you know what it did to the cat!) , by Robyn Godfrey, reproduced here with her permission:

“ambiguous, equivocal, cryptic, enigmatic describe conditions or statements not clear in meaning. ambiguous can refer to a statement, act, or attitude that is capable of two or more often contradictory interpretations, usually accidentally or unintentionally so: an ambiguous passage in the preamble. equivocal, usually applied to spoken as well as written language, also means susceptible of two or more interpretations, and it usually suggests a deliberate intent to mislead by avoiding clarity: saving face with an equivocal response to an embarrassing question. cryptic usually refers to intentional obscurity, especially in language, and often implies a private or hidden meaning but stresses resultant mystification or puzzlement: a cryptic remark that left us struggling to interpret his intention. enigmatic focuses on perplexity resulting from a mysterious or imponderable event or utterance, often one of great importance or deep significance: prophetic texts so enigmatic that their meaning has been disputed for centuries.” (grabbed from dictionary reference)

Its hard to even find a single article about this, maybe I have the wrong phase, but I’m not sure what else to call this.

There’s nothing more frustrating than a cryptic man.. or woman for that matter. but I have noticed its men mostly.. examples are probably most spiritual gurus/guides out there..if hadn’t of read Eckhart Tolles books, i would still to this day be wondering what the hell those people were on about, (Tolle being very uncryptic.. talks in simple terms. explains any “sayings” he uses etc) and I guess Brock Palmer (SL relationship Wisdom guide) would be another one who speaks in a clear language.

I am really thinking now these guru type people come up with this junk to draw in the followers, make themselves seem as almost supernatural thinkers… it seems almost like a planned tactic.. maybe it is.. a very old one..

I know those phrases and sayings do have value and meaning, I really love quotes, I do and I love quotes that get you thinking for yourself.. but! there’s a limit for me.. constant riddles and cryptic phrases with no answers in the end causes confusion and frustration.. why should I always have to be asking what they mean.. obviously they already know, so why not just say it! I really don’t need to be living my life in constant frustration and annoyance trying to get answers.. I will eventually just give up and ignore them.

In my personal life, I have to admit I find cryptic men a lure, my “need to know” attitude feeds my curiosity immensely to the point of utter frustration…half truths, subtle hidden meanings, cryptic questions and answers just pull me in to find out more, I can waste a hell of a lot of time just thinking on what they really mean, trying to find the “truth”… but with little possibility of actual answers, …as with teachers and guides.. I will eventually give up trying when the frustration is stronger than my curiosity.

Maybe its that most men find talking about certain things difficult, so they create riddles for you to figure it out.. but get over it!.. what year is this anyway? we should be open and clear with each other, we have a common language, lets try using it! …

Cryptic guys?. if you have something to say.. just say it. you wont be thought of as any less of a man.. in fact the opposite!

Behind every great man/woman…. the #1 resource

‘Harry’s number 1 resource’ – a great article form Harry Singha

The cats out of the bag! Well it’s not that much of a secret, we all know that behind every great man or woman is another great man or woman!

Well I am blessed to have so many, young and older. Many have heard me talk of the role my brother has played in creating what is the Youth Coaching Academy and of course my amazing children [and mentors] Harrison and Rosie!

There is one person who I can always call on to believe in me and support me no matter how crazy my next idea is and at the same time keep me totally grounded in regards to keeping the most important thing, the most important thing!

That is my amazing wife Katie. As we celebrated her birthday today [well yesterday now] it reminded me of the day I remembered how important she is to me. Which has prompted me to share this message with all of you who have children, are planning on having children and to those who want to have a fulfilling relationship with your partner. [that should cover most of you!]

I’ll do my best to keep it short

When my son Harrison was born, I was like most fathers, totally blown away with gratitude and love for this ‘mini me’. I would publicly tell everyone that he was the most important thing in my life!
I was in Hawaii and I was missing Kate and Harrison really bad as it was my first trip away after Harrison was born.  Those of you that are familiar with the power of questions [if not become so!] will know i ask myself a set of questions when i awake and when i go to sleep. One of them used to be, “who do I love most in life and what is it about them that I love and how does that make me feel?” Now most days this would take me to a state of love, on that day I was in so much conflict [pain] because all it led me to was who do I love the most Kate or Harrison? and do i have to love one more than the other? aaarrrhh!

I would publicly refer to Harrison as my greatest gift!
It then dawned on me that Harrison [and subsequently Rosie] are the greatest gifts that I have been blessed with AND at the same time Kate is the amazing spirit that blessed me with such gifts!

In short I realised that in relationships many of us tend to make our children the sole focus and very easily make them the most important people in our lives and then one day they grow up and find partners of their own and we look around and remember oh yeah there is our partner and there seems to be a massive void!

I decided in that moment to call Kate and let her know she is the most important thing in my life and to this day my children know the answer to “who does daddy love the most?” Mummy. I used to fear this would represent that I loved them less [complete BS]

Because here is the real message- the greatest gift i can give to my children is to show them what it means to really love a partner so when they are blessed with a partner they too will know the way!

My love and wishes for the most fulfilling relationships for you all and most of all to let you know I love Katie Singha X Harry Singha

X Harry Singha ——————– To reply to this message, follow the link below: http://www.facebook.com/n/?inbox/readmessage.php&t=1043877699024

What are you teaching your children about love?

Family Dynamics shows us how the experience of Love that a child has, is the sum of the amount of love experienced between the child and its parents and the love between the parents. So, if Mum and Dad are only experiencing Love at a 2 out of ten (2/10), Dad and little Johnny are a 5/10 and Mum and Johnny connect at 8/10 then Johnny’s overall experience of Love is 15/30 – far less than you would hope for him and not a great basis from which he can experience relationships and bring his own children into the world.

Dr Patrick Dixon, author of ‘The Rising Price of Love’ states: “We now know that children from divorced homes are four times more likely to have problems with behaviour, nightmares, bedwetting, and stomach pains. They do worse in the classroom and are more prone to depression…. They are more likely to leave home early or run away, to leave school with no qualifications. They are more likely to get into early relationships, to get pregnant as teenagers, to marry early and then get divorced…. Where children have experienced several break-ups they are ten times as likely to have severe behavioural problems.”

The children of divorced parents are almost twice as likely to repeat the past that they grew up with and become divorced themselves. Some parents say “I wish I knew then what I know now” when looking back and regretting the impact of divorce upon their children.

Can I Overcome Infidelity… an affair?

The bottom line on affairs and infidelity is that they are down to one or most likely both partners not getting their needs met. At a more subtle level there is likely to be a misalignment in each other’s values as well.

As a result, one or most likely both partners are getting their needs met in an unhealthy way – which is what infidelity is. The act of infidelity gets branded as sacrilege against the marriage vows and trust in the relationships – which it is. Yet, in the cold light of day, infidelity is simply one manifestation of getting unfulfilled needs met.

Whilst we do not condone or trivialise infidelity, in many ways, it is a similar response as Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling (the four common causes of disconnection in couples), or some of the addictive behaviours that we adopt when we are not happy and seeking external stimulation, such as over eating, drinking, gambling, pornography etc.

When you work on yourself, so that you can meet your needs in healthy way, you climb out of an unhealthy low energy and emotional state, instead rising up into a more empowering state. [See these two links on managing your energy and getting better results). From this new, more healthy perspective, it is possible to show love, understanding and compassion, for yourself and your partner, seeing through their behaviour. From here, anything is possible – including overcoming infidelity.

How to avoid Divorce

Aside from advising people not to get married (as clearly the majority of people who do so are clueless as to what they are getting into, as Diane and I were in our failed marriages) what can be done to drastically reduce the high rates of divorce?

As far back as 1983, behavioural scientists found that they were able to predict, with over 90 percent accuracy, what was going to happen to a relationship (e.g. a separation or divorce) over a three-year period just by examining their physiology and behaviour during a conflict discussion, and later just from an interview about how the couple viewed their past.

So if behaviour, your view of your past and physiology are so closely linked to disconnection and divorce – it would seem reasonable to believe they also hold the keys to success in marriage. We certainly think so….

The scientists found almost identical patterns of behaviour existed for couples four years later (those that had not already split up) – in 69% of cases the same topics were causing conflict. So no learning or helpful modifications in behaviour and communication had occurred. These same scientists went on to develop an understanding of why relationships fail and how to avoid the common causes of relationship failure i.e: Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

Communication is only 7% about the words that you use; 38% is your tonality and a massive 55% is your physiology (body language). Learning how to master your tonality and body-language will help you to enjoy massively different results, not only in your intimacy, but in every day communication.

Taking full responsibility for your outcomes and learning is essential if the mistakes of the past are to be avoided. Consider this: if you feel fair or even noble by accepting 50% of the blame for the failure of your relationship – are you also denying 50% of the responsibility too? Successfully moving on and avoiding making the same mistakes can only be guaranteed if you both take 100% responsibility for yourselves and do not blame or try to change your partner.

An extended study of couples over 20 years found a different group of people, who did not display heated conflicts, but who surprisingly started divorcing after 16-22 years. These people were typically calm, in control of their lives and ‘pillars of the community’. Typically, these divorces caused much surprise amongst the couple’s peer group. On revisiting the initial videotapes interviews, the scientists discovered a lack of obvious love and connection – a kind of neutral relationship, lacking in affection and humour. This demonstrates both a lack of emotional maturity and lack of sexual connection, spark or ‘polarity’ (as we call it). There is probably also a high degree of complacency, backed up by the beliefs that htis is all there is and you have no control over the situation. Separate research has identified the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. Getting a grip on this really, honesty, humility, openness and a conviction to positive change is a must.

The final important piece of the scientist’s research was that as well as (i) handling conflict, (ii) friendship, humour and intimacy, (iii) there was a third important factor in relationship success: a joint sense of purpose and meaning.

Here at Cosmic Attraction we have many years of expertise in helping our clients to take responsibility for their energy, their emotional state, their beliefs and to identify their true purpose in life. For couples, we facilitate the creation of shared vision, under-pinned by a clear understanding of values, through our process to elicit your values and all the underlying motivating factors.

Find out more here: http://www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk

Is Divorce Inevitable?

Each year there are some 270,000 marriages in the UK and 150,000 divorces. Each year divorce directly affects 80,000 more children – more than a million children are affected by divorce in the UK. In the Western World there are 20,000 divorces per week – that’s 1,000,000 per year.

The reasons given for divorce (as filed at the courts) is 45% Unreasonable Behaviour and 21% Adultery. The reality that 80% of relationships suffer from infidelity, as a result of an inability to keep off ‘the road to fear’ and its associated behaviours, plus the inevitable consequences of loss of connection and lack of a healthy, balanced polarity in the relationship.

The grass can often seem greener elsewhere, especially when there is a misalignment between partners’ values, compounded by emotionally immature behaviour, leading to severe disconnection. When in a state of fear, anxiety or depression, things always seem worse than they are, and we tend to focus on negatives and blow them out of proportion. In this state of mind, failure becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Before making any decisions, a rational view of the whole state of the relationship is required.

Some of us unfortunately get together for entirely the wrong reasons (without any rational basis). Others of us have started to understand ourselves better and have changed, or maybe we realise that we don’t understand ourselves and decide to change our lives in order to ‘find ourselves’. In either case, this can lead to one person (or both) in the relationship changing and growing apart from the other.

So for some of us, ending a relationship with grace, understanding and acceptance is the best option.

When contemplating staying together for the kids, or when there is a clear determination from both parties to make it work, then developing a deep understanding of each other’s needs and values is essential. There are 6 fundamental human needs, plus we all have dozens of values and valued activities that compete for our attention. In all cases of value or need, we can meet that value or need in an unhealthy way (causing relationship stress) or we can meet them in a much more healthy and empowering way.

There are relationship therapists who believe most marriages are worth saving. It is certainly the case that through the power of truth, firstly with yourself and then with your spouse or partner, there are few problems that are insurmountable. A majority of marriages fail due to lack of communication, lack of affection, criticism/nagging and contempt, as opposed to the more serious issues where they are better off terminated for the health and well-being of everyone involved.

Andy and Diane can show you whether and how you are meeting your human needs right now – the positive and negative effects on your relationship, plus we have a process to elicit your values and underlying motivations, which again can have different effects on your level of connection with others. This is a sophisticated process that can lead to dramatic insights and decisions made to improve your and your partner’s experience of life and each other, with immediate effect.

Be the change that you want to see…..

Does Divorce Lead to Happiness?

Getting divorced does not necessarily lead to happiness. In fact, the two are not really linked at all. The wounds can last for several years, as can the nagging doubt over doing it better next time, or the entrenchment of ‘never again’. It is vital to regain any lost identity and in fact find your true identity, cut emotional ties with any negative past emotions. When it is impossible not to see your ex, you don’t have the luxury of time to help the healing process – so only understanding and acceptance will work.

The terrible divorce statistics for first marriages (fast approaching 50% failure rate), only get worse second (65% failure) and third time around (75% failure).

Research in the USA has indicated that divorced individuals are no happier 5 years after their divorce, than when they were getting divorced (even those that had remarried). Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. The same study showed that five years later, two thirds of those on the verge of divorce, who stayed together, were in fact significantly happier [Note: the research showed an improvement in happiness, as opposed to high levels of happiness]. Three reasons were given for this: (i) enduring problems… which eventually eased, (ii) working to solve problems, change behaviour, or improve communication, (iii) the individuals finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage (in this study, three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage).

OK, so divorce is not, at least in itself, the answer to a happier future!

In our experience, only truth and learning can set you free from the past and ensure that the future is brighter. Whilst time can gradually reduced the intensity and rawness of any feelings, it takes learning to do things differently to create an empowering new future.

How Your Energy Creates Your Results in Life

Your energy is one of the biggest factors in the opportunities and outcomes that you attract into your life and the feelings that you experience day-to-day.

The energy that you are in and experience can be thought of as having a vibrational frequency. According to Dr David Hawkins, author of the book ‘Power vs. Force’, the majority of people are predominantly experiencing low frequency energy and the associated negative emotions and feelings. Dr Hawkins produced a ‘map of consciousness’ which uses a technique called ‘kinesiology’ to give a notional value to this frequency of energy that we vibrate at.

Low frequency energy and states are shown in red in the diagram below. Feelings of Guilt, Shame, Blame, Despair or Humiliation are the lowest levels of energy that as humans we can experience. Left unattended, these feelings can lead to depression and worse.

Feeling frightened, anxious or regretful in this situation are actually higher (healthier) levels of energy than Guilt, Shame Blame, Despair or Humiliation. Such feelings can be experienced as you start to recover from a painful split with your partner, or they maybe early warning signs of what is to come.

Anger, aggression and even hate, believe it or not, whilst not entirely healthy, are higher still in our ‘map of consciousness*’ and are only just below pride, empowerment and courage, which are the pivotal points above which life becomes optimistic and trusting once again. Below courage (200 on the map of consciousness) is what we call ‘The Road To Fear**’ or being ‘in the red’. Above 200 is the ‘Road to Love**’, peace and even spiritual fulfilment (if that is a path you wish to take) – this we call being ‘in the green’. These emotional states are on a continuum. This means that whilst you are in any way in the red (on the Road To Fear’) you cannot be experiencing Love, Peace or even Happiness.

These energies that we all experience are the key to our happiness and fulfilment. They fuel our physiology and behaviour. When were are experiencing low energies, they become the triggers to Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and Stonewalling (not speaking) which extensive research*** has shown to be the four main reasons for disconnection and ultimately separation and divorce amongst couples. Such behaviours are as a result of a downward spiral in your energy & emotional state as follows:

Boredom –> Doubt –> Pessimism –> Anxiety –> Worry –> Judgement –> Blame –> Overwhelm –> Neediness –> Jealousy –> Frustration –> Anger –> Hate –> Revenge –> Grief –> Helplessness –> Worse

Other destructive behaviours include: controlling behaviour (overt & covert control, which takes many sometimes subtle and surprising forms), over-reactions, neediness, addictive behaviours and lastly, complicity in allowing a partner to exhibit these tendencies. What is said to underpin all of these behaviours on ‘the road to fear’ is not feeling good enough, or feeling inadequate. This can lead to a fear of rejection or pleasing behaviour that can become ‘engulfment’ and loss of identity.

Do you catch yourself thinking, reacting to or doing things that you know are not helpful? Research has shown that we typically have 60,000 thoughts per day, of which 70-85% are negative.

The Law of Attraction states that ‘thoughts become things’. In more detail, it is that thoughts affect our emotions and feelings, which in turn affect our behaviour – our actions and reactions, which ultimately affect our outcomes in life. Thoughts interact with our beliefs, experiences, emotions and learned behaviours from the past. This is known as our ‘programming’ and largely determines how we react in situations. These reactions become habitual and can often be unhelpful or downright self-sabotaging and destructive.

It IS possible to learn how not to react and how not to self-sabotage – through understanding our beliefs, re-programming the unhelpful behaviours learned from our role models in our ‘formative years’ and by learning how to quieten and control our thoughts, .

At Cosmic Attraction, we give you the understanding and teach you the techniques to take back control of your energy levels and your thoughts, eliminating unhelpful habits or (over)reactions. In this way, the downwards spiral can be reversed and turned into an upwards spiral, with magical affects on your relationship and levels of connection, as follows:

Contentment –> Happiness –> Optimism –> Positivity –> Trust –> Enthusiasm –> Passion –> Self-love –> Appreciation –> Unconditional Love –> Freedom –> Bliss –> Peace –> Spirituality

Just imagine for a moment, the difference in your relationship when both of you are in a place of Happiness, Trust, Self-Love and Appreciation, compared to when either or both of you are Anxious, Judging, Blaming, Frustrated, Angry or Worse.

There is a second type of energy. This is the level of masculine or feminine energy that you show up in. This type of energy governs the ‘polarity’ or the spark of sexual chemistry in your relationship. Within this often controversial aspect of relationship theory (and reality) are our roles within the relationship. In today’s society, equality, emancipation and emasculation can all provide big challenges to relationships [Did I mention that it gets controversial?!]. We all have both masculine and feminine energy and can show up in either energy at different times within the relationship – sometimes to great effect and at other times causing friction or disconnection. Look out for other (future) postings about masculine and feminine energy.

Our energy state is a choice that we make. Whilst we are unaware that it is under our control, we tend to blame it on external factors including other people. We are only truly in choice once we understand, accept and take responsibility for what affects our energy, how to choose to be in great energy and how our energy affects our behaviour and those around us.

Click here for a list of things that you can easily do to improve your energy

Dating Strategies

Very few of us, when single, have developed and used an effective dating strategy. As a result we typically:

1. Can’t find any dates
2. Keep dating the ‘wrong types’
3. Are attracted to the ‘wrong’ things that don’t lead to lasting fulfillment
4. Have lots of dates, but no depth or commitment
5. Are looking for sex, not love, to help us feel better about ourselves
6. Keep repeating old habits and scenarios in relationships

There has been much written about dating and flirting. Typically, dating and flirting advice focuses on how to attract someone, by presenting yourself in a way that is not representative of who you really are. This is a lie, one that cannot be sustained and inevitably leads to disappointment.

Dating and relationship problems usually start for three reasons:

1. Patterns of relationship behaviour that we have learned
   
2. Emotional baggage from our previous relationships, or limiting beliefs about ourselves if we have been largely single
3. A poor selection strategy – ranging from desperation, to thinking we won’t find anyone better, to not knowing at all what we really want (or need) in a partner

Which of these scenarios have you played out?

As a result, we often ‘end up’ in relationships, rather than plan them and we start out grateful or flattered… not too objective. We generally put on a huge mask when dating as we put our best foot forward, frequently creating an illusion of who we are (who we’d like to be perceived as).

Unfortunately for most of us, the initial chemistry (often infatuation) quickly dies down. The chemistry and infatuation is in fact all too often between two masks, not the real authentic people. Once the masks start to slip, a completely new relationship starts to emerge – between two relative strangers. Believe it or not, this can happen after a few days, weeks, months or even (quite often according to research) after 20 years or more, often after the kids have left.

We actually have at least four layers of identity (two masks, a lie, plus our true selves):

1. The most superficial layer – our best foot forward; our projection of how we would like others to see us. This is us consciously presenting ourselves (when we remember to).
2. The presenting layer – how we are most of the time – a combination of our internal dialogue and the range of behaviours, reactions and emotions that result – this is the state that we are in ourselves and results in how the word sees us most of the time. This is largely an automatic/sub-conscious layer of identity. It is often closely aligned to our inner self (see 3). We may have many different persona’s that we present both consciously and sub-consciously in different situations and in different relationships.
3. Our inner self layer– the inner representation of how we see ourselves. This is our relationship with ourselves. It largely takes the form of limiting self-beliefs, negative or un-resourceful beliefs/emotional states. This layer identifies itself in the form of our self-talk or ‘chatterbox’ – the inner critic. We are said to have on average 60,000 thoughts per day, which for most people are 70-85% negative and very repetitious.
4. Your authentic self (also known as your higher self) – a combination of your values, needs, morals, empowering beliefs, skills, motivations, true feelings. Most of us never give ourselves the chance to acquaint ourselves with and understand our authentic self and choose to live an authentic life.

A QUESTION: So without getting the education and support to understand yourself and be authentic -  what hope is there of you and your partner assessing your compatibility and the likelihood of lasting love and fulfilment? Our workshops, tools and coaching give you this and much much more…

Your Success in Love and Relationships is hugely dependant upon the relationship that you have with yourself. This in turn is dependant upon understanding yourself:

• What energy you are in? This is a major determinant of your success in attracting and sustaining an amazing relationship – it covers the energetics of fear vs. love and masculine vs. feminine
• Your beliefs and the influence of your upbringing and conditioning by parents, society and role models, plus your interpretation of your experiences in life thus far
• Your habits and behaviours (largely influenced by your beliefs)
• Your needs and values
• Your emotions and emotional mastery
• Your communication skills
• The level of control and influence that you believe you have over the above
• Your ability to show up consistently as your true self without the perceived need to wear a false mask
  

With an understanding of yourself and mastery of some of the issues that hold you back, you are then ready to master relationships with others. With a heightened self-awareness and authenticity, you can set out to attract someone who is similarly aware. When you both know yourselves and what you want – there is a much greater chance of success.

If you are willing not to settle for second best, then we can help you to truly master yourself, work out the characteristics of your ultimate ideal partner and give you the tools and understanding of how to attract them.

If you would like to develop a successful approach to attracting and sustaining an amazing ultimate relationship, then I can help. I’ve done it for myself, I’ve helped others do it.

Love & Light, Andy