From Frustration, Anger and Divorce to Authenticity, Love and Acceptance

Hi, I’m Andy Nicholson, relationship and authenticity coach and personal development trainer.

I’m living the life of my choosing, I have learned to love and accept myself, I have learned to love and accept others (although I’m not always as wonderful at this as I might like!! – I am still a work in progress).

It was not always like this…. Five years ago after redundancy and divorce, I was mainly angry and frustrated – I was not in control of my life or my emotions. I was stuck, disempowered.

Then I came to realise that I could become very empowered. I was in fact at a crossroads in my life. Before me was a blank sheet of paper, on which I could design the life that I wanted…

But what did I want? What was possible for me?

I did not know. All I knew was what I did not want. The truth is that I was proud of knowing what I did not want. I felt that it gave me direction, helped me to make choices. I even gave myself kudos for this strategy in life. In my 20s it seemed to work, I seemed to be happier than some of my peers who perhaps did know what they wanted (or thought that they did) and were angry, fearful or depressed for not achieving their desired outcomes. Some even looked up to me for doing what I did.

Then, in my 30s, after my entrepreneurial businesses had ‘failed’ I knuckled down into a career, got a mortgage, a pension, got married… I did all the ‘normal’ stuff. I felt that I did not have enough fun and took life too seriously – but I believed I ‘had’ to, I was conditioned to think like this – the good old protestant work ethic…. So I made attempts to be more fun, more outgoing, I even chose a wife who was very much a fun, party animal, extroverted, the life and soul, needed at least three expensive holidays per year…. She warned me against marrying her, as she felt that she may be too much (for me, for many men) – her statement “I’m a nightmare, don’t marry me” fell on deaf ears. I felt that I was a match for her concerns. Boy, was I deluding myself! Now don’t get me wrong, my ex-wife is a wonderful woman, we just had different expectations, a different pace, differing priorities, values and beliefs. The truth is that her life works for her. Mine was not working for me and in many ways, I unwittingly tried to use her to fix me.

So there I was, 39, uninspired by my job, divorced, directionless. At this point, I bumped into an old friend of mine. After listening to my tale of woe (I poured my heart out – dumped all my frustration onto him), he suggested that I go along to a monthly meeting. No, it was not religious, it was about personal development (PD). I’d actually come across a few ‘PD’ and self-help books in previous years, and whilst interesting and inspiring, like most people, once read, I just carried on as normal, deluding myself that I did not need to change me – I just needed the world to change and give me a break!

I enjoyed the personal development get-togethers. Some great speakers started to challenge my mind-set and my beliefs and gradually open me up to new possibilities. I also enjoyed being around people who were more positive. Of course, I believed that some of the speakers, who had achieved great things, had some special talents that I did not possess and could not possess, so I did not intend to try to emulate them. It was safer and easier that way.

Then, after 10 months of attending the PD meetings, two relationship coaches gave a talk that would cause me to change my life. I’d been separated for nearly a year. My divorce had come through, yet the feelings were still raw. I felt like the marriage had been a waste of time, effort and a lot of money. I had yet to be able to take anything positive from the experience, especially any learnings. I felt like I was likely to make the same mistakes all over again (and I was).

I had been going out on lots of dates, courtesy of match.com and Dating Direct. Initially, this was just to get me out of the marital house and have some fun – living under the same roof for 10 months whilst separated was not much fun. I quickly found that I was able to feel more like my old self when out flirting. Yet after a while, there I was again, seeking the answers and my happiness outside of me, from others – seeking recognition and affirmation.

The 2 ½ hour talk by the relationship coaches, who were married, blew me away. It challenged so many of my beliefs about relationships and challenged my very identity and behaviour as a man. I had to know more. I signed up for their four day retreat at their base in Austria. Three months later, I had the most enjoyable and eye-opening four days of my life. I loved their teachings, it all seemed to make so much sense and yet was so contrary to how I ran my life. I recognised for the first time that I possessed an awesome set of values, and a lousy set of beliefs. I was living my life according to my beliefs, out of alignment with my values – hence I was unfulfilled and frustrated.

Picture – Andrew on top of the world (well, a small mountain) in Austria.

While in Austria, I also started to recognise that only I could take responsibility for my life and achieving better outcomes and more happiness. No one could do it for me. It sounds obvious now, yet how many of us are kidding ourselves…? On the Sunday, over breakfast, whilst discussing the meaning of life… I had an epiphany!  The work of the Retreat was completely in alignment with my values. I found the Retreat owners to be inspiring and I felt passionate about their purpose in life. I wanted to help them to help others like me. Plus, I had all these business, marketing and IT skills, which their ‘cottage industry’ could benefit from – I could help them to spread the word.

So to cut a long story short, 6 months later I moved to Austria, lived and worked at the retreat for 20 months, and almost by osmosis (and by attending over 30 days of training that they offered), my outlook on life transformed. While in Austria, I still liked female attention. I dated a couple of girls and flirted with a couple of others. While I was gradually awakening to myself, I was still in some denial. I was denying my potential. Although I felt that I now had my ideal vocation, I still would not face up to what I wanted in an ideal relationship. I underestimated and under-valued myself.

After 12 months in Austria, I decided that it was time to stop playing games. It was time to claim what was rightfully mine – the life of my dreams, a life and a journey that I wanted to share with my soul-mate (whoever she was). My role in Austria was not stretching me enough and I did not feel that the opportunity to grow at the same pace would remain open to me.  I also put out my intention to meet my soul-mate and I trusted that I would find her when the time was right. This was in April 2007.

Around the same time that I went to Austria, I enrolled to train in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), a branch of psychology and personal development that is based around how the brain works and how we think and behave. NLP introduced me to the concept that we all a have wildly different values and beliefs. Along with our innate talents and learned skills, this is what makes us unique – who we are and how we behave.

Andy’s Values
2006	2008
Love Happiness Integrity Connection Growth Health Humour Passion Affection Creativity Family Freedom Abundance	Happiness Pleasure Zest for life Balance Connection Health Purpose Freedom Direction Contribution Congruence Growth Creativity

Having identified my values, I started to want to be more congruent with them and to act with integrity. This lead to two things: firstly, a desire to go back to the UK in order to create my life how I wanted it, living my purpose rather than supporting someone else’s and secondly the desire to find my soul-mate.

You can see in the table opposite how my values changed over two years. I discovered more purpose, energy and enthusiasm, placed myself my purpose and my freedom above the need to please others and seek approval. This shift in values reflected what I had learned from my mentors in Austria about ‘turning up my masculinity dial’.

Being a kind, empathetic and supportive person, I’ve never had too much trouble getting in touch with my feminine side. We all have masculine and feminine aspects to our character. Many would say that to be a balanced and whole person we have to embrace and integrate both these energies, i.e. the yin and yang.

At the end of a 10 day relationship coaching training course in Austria with 12 other people, we were each rated (by the group) on our behaviour and how we outwardly expressed ourselves in terms of masculine vs. feminine energy. This was a fascinating and nerve wracking experience!! My score came out as 59 masculine and 44 feminine. Both scores are out of 100, the theory being that we will typically spend 70-80% of our time displaying the core energy of our gender, i.e. I would typically be 70-80% in my masculine and 20-30% in my feminine. As I said, a fascinating and not un-controversial subject! Again, to cut a long story short, I reckon my energy is now more like 75-80% masculine and 30-35% feminine. This shift has definitely helped me to become more authentically myself.

This is another great example of how I have transformed my experience of life. From all of my study and learnings, I have created what I call my model of Authentic Transformation. This is not a process of re-inventing yourself, or swapping one false self, for a slightly better false self. This process of true personal and spiritual (with a small ‘s’) development is about identifying who you really are and learning the tools that allow you to be authentically you, in all situations and roles. Whilst what I learned and how I turned up my masculinity certainly helped me a lot as a single man, when it came to putting this into practise within relationships, it was not without major challenges…

Towards the end of my stay in Austria, in July 2007, I received an e-mail from one of the dating sites that I had been on a few months earlier. A lady in America had read my profile and sent me an email. I’d not been on the site for several months and my membership had lapsed. I had no desire to start a transatlantic relationship. Whilst online, I looked at who else was also online – there were only a handful of people. I immediately resonated with one of the profiles, a lady from the Highlands of Scotland. We connected and clicked straight away. I happened to be back in the UK the very next week, for the first time in a year. I cheekily invited her to fly down and meet me. She did, and the rest is history… I’d been looking for my soul-mate and I’d found her. Six months later, I moved back to the UK and Diane left her life in Scotland to come and live and work together with me. We had only spent three weeks together in those six months. The fact that we had both done a lot of work on ourselves, and were able to be ourselves without any egos, masks game playing, without the need to try to impress, made all the difference. Our story is featured in other articles.

By loving ourselves 10 out of 10, we were able to accept ourselves and speak our truth to each other without any neediness and falseness. Some people may thing that loving yourself at a ‘10’ is arrogant, egotistical, selfish or even narcissistic! It is not. In fact it is the most self-less thing that you can do. For when you are full of love, you only have love to give others – you lose the need to blame, criticise, judge, hate…

Now it may seem like I am painting a very idyllic picture and everything has been plain sailing. That is definitely not the case. Intimate relationships are one of life’s most challenging things. Not only do you have to master your own behaviour, you have to learn to do so in close proximity to another, very different being. Diane and I are very different. We seemed to accept each other in principle, there were still aspects of each other’s behaviour that we each found challenging. Whilst we share many values, beliefs and our purpose in life, our personality styles are very different. This caused us some challenges, especially living and working together 24/7. Throughout, we have remained convinced that we are soul-mates or ‘twin flames’ and we have experienced amazing connection, synergy and love.  We have had to learn new tools and insights to enable our love to flourish and achieve its true potential.

Ten months into our relationship we enrolled on a training course about the Enneagram personality ‘typing’ system. I had been aware of a variety of such systems; whilst interesting, they all seemed rather complex, confusing and hardly earth-shattering. The Enneagram was different, it dealt with the whole person, you could really identify with it. For us, it was like the missing piece of the jigsaw. It finally explained why Di and I were so different and it allowed us to understand, accept and embrace those differences. We now use the Enneagram with many of our clients.

The other missing piece of the jigsaw for most people is their fears, underpinned by limiting beliefs. Whilst working in the PD industry, I noticed ‘pareto’ at work; only 20% of people seemed to take what they had been taught and use it to transform their lives and achieve the results that they wanted. They other 80% did not – they unwittingly seemed to treat the process as an intellectual exercise, ticking boxes, perhaps becoming ‘course junkies’. When I met Diane, she was Susan Jeffers first and only ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ tutor. I now teach this incredible workshop, based on the best selling book, with Di. It is the most powerful agent of change. It is also the first step that most people need to take in their journey; a step once taken that enables anyone to play full out in all aspects of life, taking and applying the most from any other training that they do.

With these tools and experiences, we believe that we have created a framework that can enable anyone to turn their lives around, overcoming fear, limiting beliefs and unhelpful models of the world; connecting with their values, personality style, emotionality, purpose, personal responsibility and accountability. It is an holistic approach – one that can deliver both immediate benefits and a transformation that takes months rather than years and hundreds rather than thousands of £s.

So in summary, growing up and learning to take responsibility for your life is a process of:

SELF AWARENESS to SELF-ACCEPTANCE to SELF-ACTUALISATION

Self-actualisation is a term used by the famous psychologist Abraham Maslow, who created the wonderful model ‘the hierarchy of human needs’ – this is another powerful tool of self-discovery that we use. For me, self-actualisation means being the best that I can be. During this process of authentic transformation, you also learn to accept and value others and their differences. This journey can also be thought of as evolving from:

DEPENDENCE to INDEPENENCE to INTER-DEPENDENCE

When life goes according to plan, most of us learn to move successfully from dependence to independence. When life gets hard, we may become fiercely independent, not letting others in, or we may relapse back into co-dependency seemingly unable or unwilling to take responsibility for ourselves. Inter-dependence is being able to accept, cooperate and collaborate with others, learning to give unconditionally and also to be able to ask for help and to willingly receive.

Some of the key learnings from my own journey include:

•    I am way more than my fears, beliefs and alter-ego
•    No one else can do it for me; they can help me to see more clearly and find ‘my way’
•    The answers are not outside of me
•    The answer is not to seek an intimate relationship to fill me up or fill the gaps in my life
•    Be open to new learnings, new perspectives and to challenge my beliefs – constantly
•    To become free of ego, opinion and judgement
•    To accept and embrace that we are all different
•    Real love is free of fear
•    Unhelpful behaviour and unresourceful emotions are largely habitual
•    More empowering behaviour and emotions can be learned
•    We are all innately good inside. We all have a ‘higher self’

Much has been written in recent years about the importance of ‘emotional intelligence’, yet there is little practical help out there to achieve it. Everything that Di and I have learned and developed in our coaching and training business is about helping people to become emotionally intelligent, to be able to live and love with others in inter-dependence, and to live the self-actualised life of your dreams.

We are giving at talk at the ‘Starting Over Show’ in London on Sunday March 7th 2010, where we will also have a stand. Do come and see us.

Andy & Di x

www.executive-relationship-coaching.co.uk www.dimacdowall-lifecoaching.co.uk

‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ is a registered trademark of Susan Jeffers, PhD and is being used with her express permission.

How to create a beautiful intimate relationship – lessons for Starting Over

So many people assume that their relationships just happen to them, with little understanding that it will in fact unfold in direct reflection of their own thoughts and feelings about themselves. You see, we all take a certain amount of ‘baggage’ into our relationships with us in the form of conditioning from our past which creates our beliefs and sense of self-worth if we allow it to. Most of us are blissfully unaware of what these patterns of behaviour are, but they will all be subtly reflected in our behaviour towards our partner.

There are two facts which will help you understand how your relationships unfold; the first is that no one can love you more than you love yourself; the second is that you teach others how to treat you.

Loving Yourself and Putting Yourself First

Many of us continually put our own needs behind those of our partner, whilst secretly harbouring resentment about doing so. This in fact teaches our partner that we do not value ourselves, yet we are so surprised when they begin treating us in the same way. When we learn to love ourselves and fulfil our own needs, then we have an abundance to give and share with others. Remember too, that your partner will always be able to sense and feel your underlying energy or ‘state’, whether you have a smile on your face or not… What lies beneath your surface will show itself in seemingly subtle, yet powerful ways…

It’s vitally important for you to be aware of who you’re taking into the relationship with you. By this, I mean you… Understanding and loving yourself fully is the biggest gift you can give to yourself, to your partner and to your relationship. When you love yourself you take no neediness into the relationship with you. If instead, you make your partner responsible for creating your happiness and fulfilling your needs, a huge burden is placed upon them. Not only that, but you will always be in fear of what may happen if at any time they don’t fulfil those needs. It puts a great strain on both of you… When two partners behave like this it is known as a co-dependency.

Loving yourself brings many wonderful virtues into the partnership with you… Firstly, you enter into the relationship as your true self, without putting on any kind of act or mask to try and be what you think your partner expects you to be. You wouldn’t even entertain being anyone other than your true self, because you’d know without doubt that you are worth loving for who you are. You would also know that being single is far better than being in a fake relationship simply for the sake of it. When we put on this kind of mask, not only is it exhausting to keep up the act, but it builds a great deal of resentment beneath the surface because we feel we can never really be ourselves… ironically! Yet, so many of us do this sub-consciously. You will never feel truly loved for who you are when you’re not being yourself. Many enter into a game of ‘fake love’ by doing and being things that will gain us love and appreciation… Life becomes a game of acting so that we don’t experience rejection or disapproval… How different life would be though, if we didn’t fear either of these things in the first place. Well, this is exactly the essence of why loving yourself is so vital.

It’s hugely important to real-ise, that when two people hide behind a mask, the masks will eventually fall away, revealing two complete strangers. Most people call that initial stage the ‘honeymoon phase’… and then wonder why things are never as exciting as they were in the beginning, or they wonder what they ever saw in their partner and the ideal of the relationship.

When you love yourself, you will be able to gift your partner with a huge amount of freedom. You come into the relationship from a place of unattachment. By this I mean unattached to any outcome – you do not place the burden of “I expect you to be with me for the rest of my life, whether you like it or not!” on your partner… get the picture? This is what attachment looks like… You will not be fearful of them leaving you if they choose to because you’ll know that no matter what happens; you’ll handle everything just perfectly. Such fears often destroy relationships with ‘bad’ energy.

By simply choosing to be together, rather than needing to be together, this allows you to place a huge amount of trust in your partner. By also trusting in yourself to deal with anything, it allows you to ‘give’ yourself to the relationship from a place of vulnerability. The strange thing is, that if your partner senses this kind of vulnerable energy in you and sees it reflected in your behaviour, they are not likely to want to leave you or give you any reason to mistrust them… it’s amazing how it all unfolds. On the other hand, when you attempt to trap your partner through your mistrust of them because you couldn’t handle it if they ever left you… and you continually question them and take away their freedom, they are far more likely to respond with exactly the behaviour you’re most fearful of… by leaving you and/or by ending up in the arms of another…

So are you beginning to understand how we create our relationships…?

Where Is Your Focus?

One of the most magical things about sharing yourself with another is that what you focus on in your partner is what will transpire. If you focus on all the good, you will see more of it. You partner will sense that you are seeing the best in them and their behaviour towards you will reflect that. If on the other hand, you’re focusing on everything your partner does wrong, or are expecting negative behaviour from them, they will also sense this and reflect it straight back to you with exactly what you’re expecting.

One of the most beautiful things you can gift your partner with is a list of all the wonderful things they do for you, letting them know just how much you appreciate them. This creates a beautiful loving bond between you both. Not only that, but it opens your heart to true love lets them know just how valid they are in your life. In doing so, please don’t demand that they reply with a counter-list, because this is not giving from a place of authenticity… this is giving in order to receive, which will also leave you in a fearful energy. So many of us tend to work on a hidden barter system when we give; a great example of this is to ask yourself how you felt the last time you sent your partner a loving text or e-mail and didn’t receive a reply? If you were disappointed by their lack of response, then was your gesture truly authentic, or simply because you needed to hear their reply? Giving with no expectation of how or if they should respond according to your rules is indeed a very loving thing to do.

Dangerous Assumptions

Another biggie in terms of relationships is to learn never to make assumptions about anything…ever! When your partner says or does something, their patterns of behaviour and ‘model of the world’ won’t necessarily match yours. Whatever the assumption has been made about has been transferred from their beliefs and perception of the world into yours, which will of course be entirely different. But instead of always assuming the best, we tend to make negative assumptions about what’s just happened, then either don’t say a word and resent it, or launch into an argument.

The best way to make assumptions if you must make them and want a loving, committed relationship, is to always make the best possible ones about your partner’s behaviour and intentions. If he or she says something that has hurt you, express your feelings in a loving way immediately and without blame. Andy and I agreed from day one that if either of us said anything which hurt the other, we would say “Ouch” and explain what had hurt us. We were staggered by the number of times we found ourselves saying “Ouch” when in fact, the other meant something entirely different from the way it was perceived and most certainly not intended to hurt. You might be surprised to find that you make far more negative assumptions that you’d ever imagine… Be aware that if these build up without resolution, they will create a huge amount of tension, resentment and animosity between you…

We often feel infatuated during the early stages of a relationship. This is generally the case when we don’t love ourselves fully and feel that burst of love and appreciation from a new partner which takes our ‘love score’ up to a 10 out of 10. These are the times when we usually become the person we think they want us to be, purely to ensure that we keep receiving that burst of love. This is the mask I mentioned earlier, and it can become an addiction. This is also unfortunately very fearful behaviour, because if they don’t provide the love we need in order to feel great about ourselves, we tend to take an emotional dive into the depths of despair. If, on the other hand, you have genuine love for yourself to begin with, then rather than thinking “Thank goodness someone loves me”, you can remain more realistic and evaluate whether that person is indeed right for you. It may seem unromantic… how romantic is a 46% divorce rate, rises sharply second and third time around?

The Big Differences Between Men and Women

Most people don’t have a clue how differently men and women think, feel and communicate. Women tend to imagine that men think in a very similar way to them… a very mistaken assumption indeed. On the whole, men are more logical, whereas women are more emotional and much of their respective communication will stem from these two different viewpoints. Men focus on one thing at a time, while women can multi-task. While women need to talk to reduce stress, men will want to find a solution to your problems – this often drives women crazy. Simply telling a man that you want him to listen and not provide a solution will appeal to his logical mind and allow the woman to talk… something this simple is sure to reduce arguments and frustration.

Many women aren’t aware that men generally feel emasculated when their woman points out a solution, yet in today’s society, women have high powered jobs, are often the main bread-winner in the house and it can be difficult to know how to maintain the right balance. So you see, learning about the differences between men and women’s thinking, behaviour and methods of communication is a powerful key to learning how to create an ideal relationship…

The Languages of Love

Another wonderful recipe to creating a fantastic bond between you is to know and understand your and your partner’s ‘love languages’. People give and receive love in one or more of five main ways – words of affirmation, touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. If you know what your love languages are, then communicate them clearly to your partner so they know what makes you feel loved… then leave space for them to fill that gap without placing demands on them to do so. It’s vital too, to learn what your partner’s languages of love are, so that you in turn can also fulfil their needs and create a beautiful relationship.

Soul-Mate Relationships

I truly believe that a soul-mate relationship is something that is created between two people who share a genuine love, respect and truth with each other. Two people who choose to be committed to being together in a loving, trusting and unattached way, and who implement the key points I’ve mentioned above, will learn to love, respect and admire their differences.

You can become each other’s greatest teacher simply by allowing your partner to be exactly who they are and learning from them, rather than demanding they change to fit in with your model of the world. When we try to fix or change our partner, they will never feel good about themselves in the relationship – how could they, when you keep reminding them how they need to be more like you, because who they are simply isn’t good enough for you…

In essence, real love is created when a relationship becomes stronger, deeper and more fulfilling through time… it doesn’t wear off or become less exciting than it was in the beginning… quite the opposite.

It’s certainly food for thought…

By Diane MacDowall

http://www.dimacdowall-lifecoaching.co.uk

Some and see us and listen to us talk at the Starting Over Show, London Sunday March 7th.

http://www.startingovershow.co.uk/

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION

Di and I spoke last night at the Tree of Life Inspiration Group in Moseley. Our talk was called ‘Cosmic Attraction – A Life Without Limits?’. I made a somewhat controversial statement…

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION

‘cos I do like to be a bit controversial, make people think and cut through the hype.  Di and I presented an interesting debate with a very interactive audience…

Here’s what I wrote on Facebook this morning, for those who could not make it:

I don’t believe there is a LAW of Attraction (LoA), not the way it generally gets described and over-simplified and over-hyped:

• Thoughts don’t just become things. Thought can definitely sabotage our ability to harness what gets called the LoA and get into ‘the flow. Thoughts also greatly influence our feelings and it is this ‘feeligisation’ (as Dr David Hamilton calls it) which has a much greater impact.
• Like attracts like sometimes… also opposites sometimes attract.
• There are many so called natural laws, laws of spirituality, attraction, vibration etc, some for me are more believable than others. Your beliefs do have a tendency to create your reality – so pick good ones – they must be authentic for you though! People like Deepak Chopra explain such ‘Laws’ very well.  Its not concrete though and such perspectives don’t work well for everyone.

So does this mean that only certain types of people can get into the flow and harness the LoA? I’d say definitely not. I am a hugely different personality style to Diane, yet we both manage to get into the flow regularly, we also work very well together, although it has taken some work to achieve this. We have become each other’s greatest teachers, because we are so different, yet have a common purpose.

There most definitely is an observable phenomenon, which gets referred to as the LoA. There’s lots of evidence to support how we connect with our energy, unfortunately much of it seems unreliable and unrepeatable. That does not mean it is not the way things can work, especially when you believe it. People have made a quantum leap between quantum physics and the LoA. Quantum physics proves nothing as yet, but is surely opens our minds to some amazing possibilities. We certainly have to be open and ‘calibrating’ highly in order to attract and connect with similarly highly calibrating ‘things’.

The way to tap into this phenomenon successfully is different for different people. We are all masters of the LoA – we generally attract and connect with what we focus on. We are conditioned and taught to focus on what we don’t want and to sabotage the good stuff with negative thinking and lousy beliefs. Identifying and acting according to your higher self, being authentic, identifying and aligning to your true values, finding ways to ‘be’ with authentic beliefs that serve you. Your beliefs do have a tendenacy to create your reality – so pick good ones – they must be authentic for you though!  All of this gets you connected and into the flow.

I’ve worked with hundreds of people who want to believe in the LoA and have invested in themselves. Many are trying to force it to work. They have no powerful and authentic ‘why’, no true passion. For me, the real ‘Secret’ for many people has been found through the ‘Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway®’ workshops that we teach. The letting go of limitations and connecting to true and authentic potential has consistently been an incredible transformation, from which magic has flowed.

Contact us to find out how we can help you to identify your authentic self and to CONNECT TO YOUR POTENTIAL.

Hi, it’s Di here… and now I’ll share with you some of my experiences of how the Law of Attraction has shown up in my life…

I completely agree with Andy’s outlook on how it works – he is a very logical male and has such an incredible mind. He has challenged many of my own beliefs, just as I have challenged his… and together we have opened each other up to a Universe of possibilities…

For me, particularly after teaching the workshops that we’ve shared over the last 2 years, I know without doubt that we create our lives with our beliefs. I also firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us, so if someone has a belief that they’re not worthy, then that energy will come through in their body language, words and actions in their communication with others.  People are less likely to respond favourably to us when we don’t feel we’re worthy… thus, we generally create our own outcomes with others by the energy we take into any situation and in the way we choose to respond to it.  Respond with love and you will attract a very different outcome than if you respond with anger. Of course you will…

When we shift our limiting beliefs and step through our fears, then our energy calibration rises and we become one of those people who lights up a room when we enter it.  Don’t you just love being around people like that..?  These people teach others that they deserve love and respect, simply because they love and respect themselves.  They will create very different outcomes for themselves because others will want to love them, help them, give to them, buy from them and so on… it all makes such perfectly logical sense.  Andy is completely right; there really is no ‘secret’ to it…

However… in saying this, I have also experienced what I can only describe as magic and miracles in my life – so many incredible ‘coincidences’ that have flowed my way with such synergy and perfection at exactly the right time, and always just a short while after I’ve thought to myself ‘I’d really love that’… that I simply can’t explain the phenomenon away.  I know it can’t just be down to just my beliefs – these perfect coincidences are far too significant for that.  I agree completely that I was open to recognising them because I had recently wished for them, but the synergy of them showing up in the ways that they have is not explainable in my book.  I do know for sure that when I make my wishes, the less attachment I have to the outcome, and the deeper the sense of fun that I make the wish with, the quicker and more accurately the perfect thing comes my way.  I consider myself to be one of the luckiest people alive… a very empowering belief to have gifted myself with indeed.

For me, the LoA is a combination of the two elements – the energy within me, and the energy ‘out there’. I am definately responsible for creating the former, and I strongly believe that I am also responsible for the power of my connection to the latter. I’ve learned that magic and flow happens for me when: -

• I feel an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for everyone and everything in my life…
• I have empowering beliefs that are completely in alignment with my values…
• I act with intention after an inspired thought… this opens unbelievable doors…
• I just know within my heart and soul that it’s on its way… and at the same time…
• By having no attachment to the outcome… instead, just feeling a sense of fun about life…

I feel so connected to this Universal energy that I know in my heart that I would be doing myself a huge disservice by saying that it’s simply all down to my own beliefs… they in themselves could not have drawn the perfection and synergy into my life that I’ve witnessed.  In my personal experience, there is far more to it than that.  Either that, or I am just the luckiest person alive!…

I adore having an open mind on the whole perspective, and I adore listening to and learning from everyone else’s perspective too… one thing I know for sure is that life is utterly amazing and I love every second of it.. the good, the bad and the indifferent – it’s all amazing 

Power Up Your Life workshop, Oxford Sat Jan 9th 2010

We are presenting, along with a great line-up of speakers on Saturday 9th January 2010 in Kennington, Oxford.

LIVING THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP
9 January 2010 – 9.00am – 5.30pm
Kennington Village Centre, Kennington, OX1 5PG
Click here to book – lunch included in ticket price

Life’s Most Amazing Experiences… ♥ ♫♪

Here’s a wonderful article from my amazing Diane……

Isn’t life completely amazing? I look back over the last 7 years at some of the lessons that have had such a powerful impact on the way I now embrace life. I know without doubt that I, like you, am an incredible human being, connected to everyone and everything around me, with the power to create my life.

Fear is disabling, and if it’s present in your energy, then it doesn’t matter what you want to create, whether it’s a loving relationship, a new job or a successful business – the beliefs you have which cause your fear are what will tend to expand in your life. People can often see and feel the fear in you, although they can’t always pinpoint exactly why, somehow it comes through on a subconscious level. Over the last few years I chose to step through each and every fear that held me back, changing every aspect of my life beyond recognition. The only thing that now feels fearful to me is the thought of lying on my deathbed many years from now, looking back with regret at how unfulfilled my life has been, wishing I’d had the courage to play full out and achieve my true potential. That thought is far more frightening than stepping through any fear now…

There is no failure, rejection or disapproval in life, absolutely not – all of these things are ego driven and created within our own minds. I gave up worrying about what others thought about me years ago (such a burden lifted!), and therein disappeared any concept of failure in my life. In fact, making mistakes is an essential part of growing and learning, and the only people who ‘fail’ are those who refuse to step out of their comfort zones for fear of being judged, and then ironically sit in judgement of others who step up and out. Fact – if you choose to live your life through someone else’s eyes and expectations, then you will always be in fear, and you will certainly never experience true happiness.

I learned, with astonishing impact, how much my beliefs formed my experience of life. When I told myself I could achieve something, then miraculously, I could. So I changed my beliefs and embraced every challenge. I now live my life without limits. I realised that blaming others is giving away my power and any control over my experience of life. So I chose to take full responsibility for my emotions, regardless of the behaviour of others – after all, their behaviour is their stuff and they’re quite entitled to have it, without judgement from me.

I learned that my experience of any relationship, intimate and otherwise, was a direct reflection of my relationship with myself. I realised that trying to be what I felt others expected of me was in fact, simply a form of imitation love, which could only leave me in a place of fear… because what if that imitation love wasn’t returned?

Learning how to forgive by looking back over my past and finding lessons and gifts in every experience is the most empowering gift – I learned to thank those people who had caused me pain; they had become my greatest teachers by giving me the most incredible opportunities to master my emotions. Without them, I wouldn’t be teaching today and living life to the full.

I learned just how vital it is to love myself unconditionally. The moment I began to love myself, the more love I had to give and share with others. I was also able to receive more love. But then it’s not surprising really, because no one can love you more than you love yourself. You teach others exactly how to love and treat you by how you love and treat yourself. Yet most of us think that we’re being good and kind by putting ourselves last, whilst eventually secretly harbouring resentment.

I have learned that happiness truly is inside of me… it is not created by anything on the outside. By walking away from a majority of the material possessions I owned, I realised first hand that everything can be taken away except what is on the inside. Within this experience was the most beautiful lesson in acceptance. Now, I feel no fear in my ability to stand alone in this world, knowing without doubt that I can, and will, handle anything… and it was in truly knowing that I am capable of standing alone, that I found the most beautiful relationship and realised that I was the furthest from being alone that I could ever be.

I learned how to go from being in a loving relationship with myself, into being in a loving relationship with another. It was through the ups and downs that the most beautiful and powerful lessons were learned, which ultimately strengthened us beyond words. With Andy, I learned the essence of what it takes to create a deeply loving relationship – a Soul Mate relationship – which I now know without doubt is something that we can all create, not something we stumble upon when we meet someone who makes our heart skip a beat.

Essentially, I realised with absolutely certainty that I create my life – no longer does life simply ‘happen’ to me. Those events that are destined and not within my control, well, I can choose how to respond to them – with love or with fear. I choose love now, because I see what happens when I choose to respond with fear instead.

My truth is this: – I can choose to step out of my comfort zone as often as I wish, I can choose to step through fear, I can choose to have empowering beliefs, I can choose to allow others to hurt me, I can choose how to respond to any situation, I can choose to take responsibility for my life and my emotions, I can choose to be in great energy…… I can choose to create the life of my dreams… or… I can blame others for making my life unhappy. And even as I write that last sentence, I truly trust that you will connect with how ridiculous the latter option is.

I choose happiness… and now, I cannot see any aspect of my life that I do not create. Empowering beyond words!

Di xx

Video Out-takes and introductory webinar recordings

Click here to subscribe to our new monthly education and support package.

• Do you know just how awesome you truly are?
• How much of your potential are you really living up to?
• Do you like, understand and accept yourself completely?
• Could you like, understand and accept all others?
• How much of your behaviour is driven by ego?
• Do you love yourself 10 out of 10? Would you like to?
• Can you/do you expect anyone to love you more than you love yourself?
• Did you know there are at least 9 types of intelligence?
• Never mind intellect – how emotionally and spiritually intelligent are you?
• How emotionally and spiritually intelligent would you like to be?
• Are you in charge of your wellness, health and energy? Would you like to be?
• What does your higher self look, feel and sound like – are you in alignment?

Here is our first ever YouTube video together, introducing our new monthly PD service:

The recording of Part 1 of our introductory webinar from Wednesday 21st October is available by clicking on the word ‘Recording’ in the blue box below:

As promised, here’s the funny out-takes from our first ever YouTube video:

The recording of Part 2 of our introductory webinar from Thursday 29th October is available by clicking on the word ‘Recording’ in the blue box below:

Sign up for our amazing monthly Holistic Persponal Development Support package here.

Like everyone, we hate spam. You details will be kept confidential, your email will not be shared with anyone else. We will only contact you with regard to these webinars and our holistic personal development service.

Sign Up for our Webinar and see our very 1st YouTube video!

• Do you know just how awesome you truly are?
• How much of your potential are you really living up to?
• Do you like, understand and accept yourself completely?
• Could you like, understand and accept all others?
• How much of your behaviour is driven by ego?
• Do you love yourself 10 out of 10? Would you like to?
• Can you/do you expect anyone to love you more than you love yourself?
• Did you know there are at least 9 types of intelligence?
• Never mind intellect – how emotionally and spiritually intelligent are you?
• How emotionally and spiritually intelligent would you like to be?
• Are you in charge of your wellness, health and energy? Would you like to be?
• What does your higher self look, feel and sound like – are you in alignment?

We are re-running Part 1 of our introductory webinar this Wednesday 21st October at 7:15pm – please register below. Part 2will follow on Thursday 29th October again at 7:15pm (GMT), again – please register to receive joining instructions. You can use this page to access a recording of each webinar after the event too.

Like everyone, we hate spam. You details will be kept confidential, your email will not be shared with anyone else. We will only contact you with regard to these webinars and our holistic personal development service.

…this comes from of our model of holistic personal development:

Testimonial - The material is taught in such a simple way, which makes it so effective. Di and Andy deliver it in such a heartfelt way that creates so much added-value in the workshop. They are truly amazing people who I will never forget. Dan, Warwickshire
Click this link for many many more amazing testimonials.

This is a monthly membership service which takes you through a process of Authentic Transformation, where you get to really understand your true self, how and why you operate the way you do, and how to be your best and connect fully to your potential.

As Andy would say… “Humans are the most complex thing on the planet. 50 trillion cells, driven by emotions, instincts and thoughts from 100 billion brain cells. We are each in charge of the world’s most powerful super computer, with more memory capacity than all other computers on the planet (10⁸⁴³² MFLOPS to be precise!). In turn, our complex thoughts and emotions are in charge of the planet’s most sophisticated pharmacalogical laboratory, regulating much of our state and our health.”

We are going to show you how to love yourself and why where there is fear, love is not and where there is love, there is no fear.

Over the past 6-7 years Andy and I have both been on an incredible personal development journey. We have trained with and studied some of the world’s top motivational and developmental experts, each giving us great distinctions. We have discovered that the very best teachers are actually teaching the same things and that real, lasting positive change comes out of a holistic and balanced approach, partly intellectual and conscious, partly energetic, intuitive and subconscious.

In spite of and because of these great teachers, we have actually experienced the most growth over the past two years of being together. Combining our individual knowledge, styles and approaches to life, we have become each others greatest teachers. In the process, we have created and delivered fantastic workshops and coaching.

Now we want to make this easily affordable to you. Whether you are new to personal development easily and affordably available, or seeking ongoing support for your journey, this unique holistic approach will provide great insights and progression.

OK – so what is in the package? It is a monthly membership scheme.

• Every three weeks we will be holding a live webinar, with a presentation and discussion – you will be able to ask us questions live.
• The webinar will be recorded so that you can watch it again as many times as you like.
• We will also be posting highly educational videos for you to watch
• You will have access to all of our posted material via a private members social network, where you will be able to interact with us and our other members.
• On the members network we will be building up a library of supporting materials to help you on your journey of self-discovery and self-actualisation.
• This is all our own network and material – we will be inviting guest speakers on specialist subjects that we are not so familiar with such as Feng Shui and Nutritional Therapy.
• All of this material will be provided in bite sized chunks, easy to assimilate, simplified and put into context of our holistic framework for personal development.

These webinars are ongoing. Our journey has lasted 6-7 years each and is ongoing. Our core material will be presented over the next 18-24 months, in a way that you can understand very easily and incorporate into your life.

Three key distinctions regarding personal development are:

1. Everyone is different – therefore not all purported solutions will work for everyone.
2. Personal development or Authentic Transformation is a journey – not everyone is at the same point in their journey, not everyone is ready for some of the more advanced concepts… until they have grasped the fundamentals…
3. Many techniques and subjects taught under the umbrella of personal development, great as they are.. are tools and concepts, not solutions in themselves. Things like goal setting, NLP, meditation, Law of Attraction, EFT, special diets, some spiritual practices and teachings… To be truly useful, these tools need to be used in a more holistic context and framework.

Our webinars embody these three key principles.

Subscribe now. It is only £27 per month, you can cancel at any time, so there is no risk. We know you will feel that you are getting way more than your monies worth.

Our Soul & Spirit magazine ‘Cosmic Ordering’ article Aug 09 issue

Did you catch our three page spread in the August 09 issue of Soul and Spirit magazine?

If not then you can download and view a PDF of the Cosmic Ordering article by clicking on the image to the right:

Find out what journalist AnneMarie Flanagan learned on our Cosmic Ordering/Law of Attraction 2 day workshop; plus read the amazing results that Lynne Edwards has achieved with her life, in only 12-15 months, since attending our workshops.

We’ve Launched Our Holistic Personal Development Webinars !!

TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE WEBINARS. Andy and Di’s all new affordable, hype-free, holistic, personal development webinars.

Join us f.o.c. online on Wednesday 7th October at 7:15pm (GMT) for the launch webinar, where we will be sharing our framework for the most effective personal development and introducing our monthly support package and membership service.

Use the invitation below to sign up now.

Note: your email address will only be used by us to contact you regarding the webinars, unless you specify otherwise and your details will not be shared with any third parties.

Holistic, Affordable Personal Development (without the hype)

Do you find the world of personal development rather too full of hype, clever marketing and over-blown promises? I do!

Di and I have been working together for over 18 months now. With 5-6 years of previous in-depth personal development training each, we have amassed great experience, a broad and holistic perspective and created some brilliant models for developing self-awareness, self-acceptance and ultimately self-actualisation – creating the life of your dreams. We are about to launch a new regular online webinar service that will take you through a holistic process that will enable you to master yourself and your personal-development.

If you want value-packed, affordable, understandable, holistic, ongoing, supported self-development – look no further.

We get amazing feedback from our workshops – people regularly say “I’ve done lots of personal development… this is the best workshop I’ve ever been on“. We actually start at the beginning – with Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. This is an essential first step that is missing from most people’s journey of self-discovery and self-development.

There IS a lot to personal development. Whilst many seminars leave you on a high – the tendency is to come back down to earth with little long-term change.  The quick fix of a seminar is nice and can be a little addictive; for others, treatments and therapies can give short term relief to pains and frustrations (symptoms). What is truly required is to get past the symptoms – to the cause of any unhappiness, stress and lack of understanding or fulfillment or purpose. This requires a conscious understanding of what is happening and a conscious decision to take control and make changes.

This leap in consciousness is very definitely possible. It requires a structured and holistic approach. Below are a few of our holistic models for explaining the authentic transformation process, understanding yourself, your identity and personality. We invite you to contact us to register your interest in our webinars.

Here’s a few of our holistic models, which will be covered on the webinars:

CIPD says that 90% of organisations polled use Coaching

The Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) says more than 500 companies were surveyed for the Taking the Temperature of Coaching report, which found that 90% of them use coaching and 51% of them see coaching as a key part of learning and development and consider it ‘crucial to their strategy’.

According to the survey, coaching is being used at all levels to build on good performance (23%) and improve poor performance (20%), and also in leadership development (23%)…. as reported by Personnel Today.

For an amazing and cost effective training workshop for Coaches and Trainers – click here: http://snurl.com/learntocoachworkshop

To learn about how Authenticity coaching can transform performance, click here: http://www.authenticis.com

By Andrew Nicholson

www.executive-relationship-coaching & www.connecttoyourpotential.com

Law of Attraction – the Key to Corporate Success

As an experienced strategic marketing consultant of 17 years, some 5 years ago I got into personal development and then discovered the Law of Attraction (LoA). After learning about and playing with the LoA, cutting through the hype and using my science and research background to study it, I came to realise a few things:

• The Law of Attraction is surrounded by mystery and hype
• Whilst the exact scientific explanations are not conclusive, there is plenty of observable evidence to back up the phenomenon. Although the meta-physics gets over-hyped…  it does open our mind to many amazing possibilities
• We are all, already masters of the Law of Attraction – we just need to recognise, harness and focus this on what we truly and authentically desire
• Authenticity and alignment to core values is a key factor
• Demolishing hidden limiting beliefs is another key factor
• The Law of Attraction works by energetic connection – like the poles of a magnet can attract or repel – learning how not to be in repel mode is a key factor.
• Success in using the Law of Attraction and Cosmic Ordering is about experiencing these energetic connections and the feelings behind them -

So what does this have to do with corporate success? EVERYTHING

These energetic connections underpin all aspects of corporate performance.

Organisations are made up of people connecting and doing. The quality of those connections determines the effectiveness of all leadership, sales, marketing, communication  and human resources activity.

These Law of Attraction tools and principals can be used to inspire a corporate culture of efficiency and effectiveness, achieving alignment and authenticity, creating flow, success and abundance. From this single initiative comes: employee engagement, emotional intelligence, improved teamwork, lasting successful partnerships with customers and suppliers, imparting brand values, increased trust and rapport (with everyone), staff retention…this list goes on and on.

As with most initiatives, top level buy-in, with leaders walking the talk is important. A huge difference is the level of empowerment and personal responsibility everyone can experience from the bottom up. Most/all aspects of everyone’s lives will be enhanced, not just the corporate bottom line and organisational performance metrics. So it is a win:win all round. Not only that, the often dramatic increases in positivity, responsibility, empowerment, respect, co-operation and rapport make the workplace fun and fulfilling.

Click the link below to find out how to implement this in your organisation, check out our new collaboration with Cambridge Professional Academy and our Connect To Your Potential workshops:

http://connecttoyourpotential.professionalacademy.com/

Does Cosmic Ordering Work?

Obviously we firmly believe that it does and experience this every day in our lives. Yet, we know it is a contentious subject and not everyone believes it can or does work for them.  These very beliefs are in fact the crux of the issue, for what you believe has a huge hand in creating your experience of reality.

We all very much manifest and create our realities – it is like they are virtual realities, not hard wired destiny or set in stone. If you look at the word belief… be[LIE]f you see inside every belief is a lie – there are no absolute truths.

So does Cosmic Ordering work? Journalist AnneMarie Flannagan attended our Cosmic Ordering workshop earlier this year and was able to manifest more work, an unexpected holiday, feeling calmer and improved relationships. You can read about her experinces in the August issues of Soul & Spirit magazine, out now in newsagents.

Wanna be a (better) Coach?

Would you like to become a coach and/or personal development trainer?

• Are you put off by the bewildering array of training and certification options, often costing £OOOs?
• Maybe you’ve taken steps, had some basic training but lack in confidence and experience?
• Are you confused about the practicalities of setting up the business and promoting yourself?

We have created a practical and affordable solution for you: http://snurl.com/coachtraining

Lots of people who have come for coaching and workshops with us have been inspired to want to become a coach. In fact many existing coaches attend our workshops and Di has personally coached a few highly respected coaches from the UK and the US. With a combined experience of over 10 years involvement in personal development, having studied and worked with many top coaches and trainers ourselves, we have lots of practical experience to pass on to new coaches and trainers on all aspects of setting up a coaching practice.

While in Inverness, Di rapidly became the top life coach and personal development trainer in the Highlands, enabling her to leave her job and go full-time. She was also a tutor for the Life Coaching Institute. Meanwhile, Andy spent nearly two years living and working at a top personal development retreat, so he has seen it all. Andy has experienced trainer and marketeer and can advise you on all aspects of traditional and online marketing. Both of us are trained coaches and Master Practitioners of NLP.

We have put all this experience together into an affordable and pragmatic workshop. Here’s the short cut to more details on Di’s website: http://snurl.com/coachtraining

Andy & Di ‘Feel The Fear’ Talk at the Inspiration Network, Birmingham

We are giving a talk on ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ on Monday 17th August at the Tree of Life Inspiration Network. The talk is from 7.30 (prompt)to 9pm at The Cross, 145 Alcester Road, Moseley Village, Birmingham, B13 8JP.

This introductory talk is based on the book by Susan Jeffers, PhD.  The book and our two day workshop based on it are truly life transforming. We have taught ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ to hundreds of people from all walks of life:  from shy and bullied teenagers, to abused women, to stage entertainers, to company directors. It is a truly liberating experience for anyone.

‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®’ is a registered trademark of Susan Jeffers, used with her permission. Andy and Diane are licensed and approved tutors for Susan Jeffers.